The summer rush is ending

And since the summer rush is ending, hopefully I'll have more time to blog. :) Since I know I've been terrible about keeping up with it. Sorry!

So Blake's birthday I spent in Georgia with Adam, and we released a balloon for him. I tried my best to keep it together, mainly for Adam's sake, and I would say that I did a pretty good job. Not that I think Adam would think any less of me if I did lose it, especially for this reason, but I just hate crying in front of anyone, even family. Speaking of Adam, I miss him, a lot. I get to see him more than some people get to see their loves in the military, but even so it's really not that often. I know it'll be worse when he deploys, and I keep telling myself that, and it helps a little. I guess. But I know all of it is worth it because I love him and he loves me, and you can't really go wrong with that recipe. :)

I know this is the wrong time to decide to do this, since summer is on it's way out (don't get me wrong, isn't still miserable here in Florida), but I've decided to lose some weight. Not a lot, like maybe eight pounds, but still, I want to do this. All I did this summer was put on weight, not so fun. Well actually, it was fun, until the girth appeared lol. But I just want to look in shape again and I miss my muscle. I want to do zumba, but that costs money and that's just something I don't have right now. Plus I have horrible skin and that's been acting up lately and I hate it. People are absolutely shameless about pointing it out too...I usually tell them it's skin cancer and they shut up kinda fast ha. It's not, but still, I don't point out their flaws, why do they need to pick apart mine? Jerks. So basically I'm going to work really hard at fixing my body image to be something I'm happy with. I told Adam about such plans and he says to do what ever makes me happy, and I told him that I'm not happy about my body right now, and that's why I've been running/walking two miles a night. He told me he's happy that if it makes me unhappy, he's happy I'm doing something about it instead of just complaining and that he loves me for it. :) Did I mention I miss him?

That's about it. Me and Melissa are trying to get a place together, more in town, because I hate being so far away from everything. Wish us luck on that! But I'll try to write more later.

My, how time flies

One year ago today, I wrote probably my most famous blog on how I came to lose my precious little boy. Yesterday was the one year on his actual death, and it's really hard to believe. On one hand, it feels like he was only here yesterday. On the other hand, it feels like he's been gone forever. At times, it's hard to believe I even ever had a son, and it feels a lot like a dream. I hate that. I hate being accustomed to life without him. I should have never even had to become that way. I miss him so much. I feel like a lot of my life is spent missing people, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Anyway, I tried to not really think about the significance of yesterday. I treated it like a normal day, went to work, ran errands, worked on laundry, you know, normal stuff. Of course it was always in the back of my mind, knowing that today was a day I had been dreading for quite sometime. The day before yesterday, the date that he first didn't wake up, I had a terrible migraine. I'm sure it was just coincidence, but it was still a little weird, since I rarely get headaches at all, and I should get one the day the blood vessel popped in his brain. Sympathy headache maybe? I'm not sure, but I just hope his pain receptors were the first thing to go. I hope that massive headache wasn't the last thing that he could feel. I've always wondered that, and think I always will. Overall, yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, mainly through avoidance and keeping myself plenty busy.

On a happier note, me and Adam have been doing fantastic. He's graduated, in Kansas visiting family right now, and coming back in either two or three days to spend about a week with me before he gets stationed in Georgia. :) I can't wait! I miss him so much. I'm so glad I finally let myself be in a full on relationship with him. I think after Blake, I had some serious commitment issues. Sort of. Like I knew I wanted to be with someone, but I would just push people away once they started to get too close. I finally let myself open up, and it flourished. I've been so happy with him, happier than I've been in a long, long time. The security is nice too; I'm not worried about him changing his mind or finding some other girl, just as he doesn't need to worry about it either. I can't believe next month will mark one year since we started seeing each other. We actually met on Blake's birthday. It's crazy how time flies.

In other news, I'm trying to decide between going to school to be an LPN, or going to school to be a massage therapist. The massage therapist would be quicker, and everyone says I would be really good at it. And I give massages at work all the time anyway, might as well get paid decently for it, right? :) The program is only 8 months long, but they don't take bright futures. Boo. If I was a military spouse, they would pay I think $4000 of it, so I would only have to work on like $1500. And they could do a monthly payment plan for me too. If only. Adam said I could borrow his last name for a bit (he's in the Army), but I think I would rather wait for the forever variety (if it should ever happen). I don't know, I know when he comes back here we're gunna discuss me MAYBE attempting to go to Ga with him. That's a big maybe though, because he can't live off base yet, and we're not married, so I would have to pay to live up there by myself. Which if I had a good serving job up there, I could probably do it. I don't know, maybe I'll try to finish school down here and then maybe move up there, since I would be making a lot more money. Oh decisions, they're never ending.

Meet Rylee :)

I got a hedgehog today! (Well, technically yesterday now). Her name is Rylee. :) She's so cute! When I first got her, she was super into exploring and all that, but since I got her home, she's super timid and had been sleeping a lot. :( I wanna play with her, but if she's sleepy then I don't want to wake her up. Plus maybe the change is a lot for her, so maybe I should just let her sleep for tonight. Either way, she's definitely a cutie. :)



I got the job at Gymboree, but I haven't started yet. But I also ended up getting a raise at Fuds, so I'm not sure it would really be worth the drive to San Destin now. So I'm thinking I might just tell Gymboree thanks, but no thanks. I also am officially applied to the dental assisting program. :) And holy cow, to get into the program is kinda cut throat! I still need to get CPR certified, which I'm signed up for a class on March 18th, and then I can get the letter inviting me to the program. And then I still need to get a physical and a dental check up before I can really get into the program. And a background check, which I can do as soon as I bring the paper work over to my mom's, since I can't do it through Safari. Booo! I also can't do my FAFSA on safari. Double boo! So I guess that means I need to go to my mom's soon to do all that. And then, once I get all that done, I have to sign up for this online summer course to secure my spot on the program. Basically I need to act fast, because they only accept 24 people in the program. Eek! I'm a little nervous about it, not gunna lie. Ugh. I just really want to get this program out of the way so I can have a better paying job. Please? I guess all I have to do besides get these things done is hope for the best.

Good news! My phone in fact didn't delete anything. :) My SIM card had just become dislodged. Probably from one of the many times that I have dropped it. Oops! But at least I figured it out. Haha.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well getting the ashes was even more emotional than what I thought it would be. I was able to hold it together until I got into my car and opened it. The bag of his ashes is so small...it forces me to think about how small and young he was. Then I lost it and started sobbing, right there in the post office parking lot. Then I looked to my right and saw a lady parked next to me, staring as I cried. Awkward. I'm sure that was a pretty sight, since for one, no one looks cute crying, and then I had make up running down my face...yeah, beautiful. Then I went to go see my mom, and lost it again...can't win. I decided not to do anything with the ashes, just to keep them in his box of stuff. Well, some of them I will ship off to be made into a life gem when I can afford it, but that won't be for a while (unless i win/play the lottery). But I just don't really want to do anything that will get rid of him. I want him here, with me.

In other news, I have an interview Thursday with gymboree to maybe be a shift leader. :) Hello little pay raise! I'll still work at Fuds I guess, but still, at gymboree I can at least wear normal clothes to work. Kind of excited about that. Hopefully I get the job! So I can be stretched even more thin...but at least I'll have money, right? Ugh. But I think it would be fun. Hopefully the raise will be worth the gas money...my job now is about six miles away. This will be about 21 away...for $1.10 more an hour. Enh. Guess we'll see. :P Why can't I just find a job on base as like a secretary???

And my school is stressing me out. Applying for the dental assisting program should not be this hard. It keeps coming up with error, so I asked the school about it and they said that I need to change my objective. So I tried to change it so that I could apply, and when I go to switch to dental assisting, it says that I can't switch it to that, only out of it. Catch 22 much? It's a little frustrating. I just want to apply!!! :( So, I guess tomorrow when I go to school, in between classes I'll talk to the councilors again about not being able to apply. I'm sure they're tired of seeing me. I just want to move forward in life, so I can get a real job and make a decent amount of money.

On top of everything else I have to worry about, I'm also thinking about how hard it's going to be to find a guy as into the natural parenting stuff as I am. Cloth diapering isn't as bad, even though most guys I know are against touching/cleaning/anything to do with cloth, but they don't mind if I do it myself. Breast feeding, well most guys I've met support that. The whole circumcising thing, that's a different story. I don't want to have it done; I feel like it's mean and very unnecessary. Finding a guy with the same opinion, now that's proving to be a task in itself. Who would have thought finding a guy who doesn't want to chop of part of their son's skin right at birth would be so difficult? It's one of those things I'm not willing to budge on. This is why I felt like being a single parent was easier sometimes.

Oh, and my lovely phone decided to delete all of my videos, most of my ringtones, and some of my pictures. Thanks phone, really. At least I already downloaded pretty much everything onto my computer. Now I just need to put it on a disc for further preservation. Most of my videos of Blake were on my phone, and I liked being able to watch them whenever I wanted...but not anymore I guess. :( At least next month I can use my upgrade and get a new one. I wish it were next month already.

Ummm, I think that's about it for now. Happy Valentine's day. It hasn't been exciting, besides getting the call for the interview and turning in some paperwork finally. I worked. And other than that, that's it. No plans lol. Oh well, I'm not big on Valentine's day (singles awareness day?) anyway. I think a little be later I'll go grocery shopping, since lord knows I need to do it badly. And I do mean badly lol. Hope everyone else is having a more eventful day than me!

Stretched much too thin

It feels like I haven't blogged in ages. And then I realized, it's because I haven't. Life has just been so hectic and stressful and fast paced lately...I just want a vacation where the most stressful thing I have to worry about is blogging. I'm just ready for a break. Not to complain, but I need somewhere to vent, right? Where to begin though. Well first, I finally moved. One of my best friends, Amber, and her boyfriend, Mark, bought a house together and they needed a roommate to help out on payments, so that's where I come in. Love the new place, just wish I could spend more time at it. Feels like I always have something going on that pulls me out of it (don't think too glamorous, it's normally work). I'm still working on moving all my stuff over here (most of it is here though, finally). So any free time I have during decent hours goes towards moving stuff over here and moving things to my storage unit. Thank god I have that thing. And then when I'm not doing that, I'm at work. I work between seven and eight shifts a week...and still don't make much money. Especially since I get benefits now, so that pretty much drains my paycheck. But it is nice to finally have insurance. If I'm not working, I'm more than likely dancing or baby sitting. Don't get me wrong, I love the little girl I baby sit, but I dread Fridays. Right now that's the only day I'm baby sitting, but I do it from 7:15 until 9, and then I got work a double at work. It just makes for a super long day.

As if that's not enough already, I have more. Had to do taxes (yay done), need to apply for the dental assisting program (which keeps coming up with an error, so need to ask the school about that one), need to file my final claim, need to file my FAFSA, trying to apply for a better paying job I've heard about, and just other random paper work. I need to win (play) the lotto, for real.

Baby boy's ashes came today, but I was at work and missed it. :( So I have to wait until tomorrow to get them. I don't know why it matters so much; I mean, it's not like it would change anything once I got them. I've waited eight months, what's one more day? I guess I just have in my head that if I had the ashes, then he would be more with me, and I couldn't possibly want anything more than that. I just hate the thought of any part of him spending any part of the night (or day) in any place other than right here with me. I just miss him more than I can stand, and it's hard going through everyday life, pretending everything is okay. And the worst thing is, there isn't anyway to make this part of me better; it's forever broken.

Did I mention that I can't wait to have another baby? A lot of my friends are having new babies right now, or are pregnant, and I want to be in that position so bad. I know I should wait, for at least maybe to be in a steady relationship, and to not work in a restaurant (hello dental assisting). And I more than likely will wait for all of those things to happen, I just wish they were right now.

Speaking of relationships, I'm talking (nothing really serious yet, don't get too excited) to this amazing guy...I'm not even kidding. He's beautiful, inside and out. Beautiful face, beautiful body, and super sweet and caring and just has his life totally together. I have no clue what in the world he sees in me, but I'm glad he does. :) Maybe this will continue on to be something good!

Other than that, I think that's all. Just worn out, that's for sure. But hoping maybe things will slow down or something really soon.

Ughh what's been wrong lately???

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been so emotional. I don't like it. I don't cry, I just don't do it too often. I don't like to cry, so I try to find other outlets for my emotions other than tears. But lately, I can't help it. All I can do is think about Blake. And cry. A few days ago I got a letter from medicaid in the mail, just to confirm that all the medical procedures listed actually happened. It was from June, which included a refill for is Urso that he had to take, and then all of the procedures from when he was passing. I started bawling while reading that letter, out of no where. Reading through that letter was almost like reliving those two days. They went in order, and I could see where they started giving him blood, where they did CT scans and then when they intubated him and where they flew him to Gainesville and when they took him by ambulance to the hospital and all the meds they gave him and everything. And with every procedure, I had a flash back of that moment. I try to not think of those two horrible days, but every now and then it happens, but not usually the whole thing, just bits and pieces. This was everything. All of it. From the moment he wouldn't wake up and on until I gave him my last good bye. Since then and even a little before that, I want to talk about him always. But, when I do, I tear up. The past couple of days at work I've had to fight back tears when I'm up there by myself just thinking. My memory isn't the greatest, but moments with Blake I remember clear as day. I can still remember the moment I finally pushed him out, and how it felt like it went in slow motion as I finally caught the first glimpse of my beautiful son. I remember the way he looked at me with his dark eyes and sweet little face the first time I got to hold him, the way he was crying his heart out until I took him and started talking to him. The way he just stopped and stared into my eyes, and though I didn't think it possible, I fell in even more love with him. I can remember so many memories from him, and I want so bad to relive them, just to be with him again and make new ones.

He's been haunting me, in my dreams. He has been, and having another baby period. Every night I dream of him or having another baby. The first one I just had a new baby, a boy, blonde hair, blue eyes, and plenty of little pink rolls. I was amazed that such a baby came from me, and even more amazed because I didn't know I was pregnant until I went into labor and had him. Then the next night I dreamed that I had another baby, and this baby too had Alagille's Syndrome, and though I was happy to have another baby, I was sad. I was sad that this baby had to go through the same cruel disease, scared that this baby would meet the same fate as Blake, and guilty because that meant that I most likely carried the JAG1 gene, meaning I accidentally caused Blake to carry the same fatal gene. And then there was last night, where I dreamed that I had Blake still, but someone kidnapped him, and I spent the dream looking for him, wondering if he would still be alive when I found him. That wasn't a good dream, since I couldn't stop worrying if he was scared or hurt and anything, but I guess that's what I went through during the real thing too, but at least I could be by his side for that. Not that I could do anything to help or that he probably even knew I was there, and it makes me so sad to think of him gone like that, even though he's even more gone now.

I want a baby so, so bad. I don't think most people understand this need. They see it as baby fever, which I suppose it is, but on a different level. I loved being a mom, every part of it, and I felt like I was good at it, like it was my calling. It's like finding true bliss, or nirvana, and then having all of it ripped out of your hands. How are you supposed to live life now, when you've seen how much better it could be?

A lot of my friends (most of them in fact) that I was pregnant with before are pregnant again. I'm so incredibly happy for them, but I'm jealous too. I hate to say it, but I am. I'm jealous of their pregnancy, jealous of their joy, jealous of the fact that they can have their first child and be blessed to have a second as well. Maybe this sounds juvenile, and maybe it is, but I can't always help the way I feel. I feel like it's so unfair, that I'm not pregnant now, and that I don't have even my first born to be with. Like I feel alone. I know I'm not, but a lot of times I feel like I am, even when I'm surrounded by people I love. It's just not the same. I'm not looking to replace Blake, and that will NEVER happen, but I'd love someone to take care of, someone that I took part in creating and nurturing and everything. Now when I look at babies or pregnant bellies, yes I think they're cute, but I feel like I look at them with a sense of longing more than anything else. I want this so bad, but no one wants to give it to me.

I also would like to be married. No one in mind or anything, but I would like to be all the same. I want to be a house wife. I find these green ways to clean, and I find myself wishing I had a house of my own to clean. I find new recipes, and I wish I had someone to cook for. I want to start a family. Maybe this all sounds silly, but that's what I'm craving.

Sorry this post has been more depressing and selfish than anything else, I guess I'm just in a funk or something. Nothing new really going on besides these emotions. Not that they're new, just resurfacing I guess. I've heard grieving has a two steps forward, one step back approach, but i feel like I was more like ten steps forward, please return to GO. Like I'm all the way back at the beginning, trying to tame my raw emotions all over again. Hopefully someday I'll get this figured out.

Not sure about anything

I've been a little uncomfortable lately, and I'm not sure what it is. I just don't feel quite myself. Maybe a little depressed? I just don't know. I'm looking for change I think. I need some change. I get in these phases where I just need change and I just get uncomfortable with my life and how I'm leading it. Not that I'm leading a bad life or anything, I just...I don't know, need more hours in the day I suppose. I mean I've still been keeping up with laundry and cooking more and trying to clean more, which is fine, but still I'm wanting to move out badly. Again, not like home life is bad, but I'm craving independence. More than what I ever have before. BUT, it's frustrating, because I feel like everyone who's agreed to move out with me has bailed. Like I said, just frustrating! I mean I understand that money sucks, but if you don't think you can, it's cool, but don't get my hopes up. I'm thinking about just getting a storage room (climate controlled) for now so I can move Blake's stuff into it, just for the sake of space. Not that I'm looking to get his stuff out of sight, but seriously it's cramped over here. I could REALLY use the extra space, and I'll feel a little less bad about taking up all the space here. SInce I wouldn't be and all. So yeah, toying with that idea.

I feel conflicted. I've been needing to be more creative (as I mentioned in the last post), and I want to be, but I'm hardly ever home. I guess it's partly my fault, since I get cabin fever like crazy, but still, that's where the more hours in a day come in. I'm still working six days a week, so yeah. I'm really needing to sew some diapers for some people that I want to, and just to do it. And I want to scrapbook some more, since I had plenty to do for Blake. And I've learned to knit, but I need to keep up with it. And I need to be home more during the day since I want to play with photography more. Just a lot of things I'm wanting to do.

On another note, while still trying to decide what to do with my life, I'm going to Tallahassee on Friday to visit the Aveda Institute for hair design. Not sure if I'm doing it or not, but I've done a few friends' hair, including both cutting and coloring, and I liked doing it. So I'm hoping that I might like this? IF I do it. I have commitment issues I believe with school haha. But this would be another way to let my creativity escape.

AND I'm thinking about chopping my hair off. I'm not sure how yet, but I think it might have something to do with my need for change. I always do this, grow my hair out, get tired of it, chop it off, miss my long hair, grow it out, get tired of it, chop it off, etc. Never ending cycle!!! But at the moment I'm a little tired of it, so I think I might do it. Again, not sure! But when am I ever sure about anything?

I thought I was okay, but lately I haven't really been. Like just sitting there thinking about Blake makes me tear up, and I don't like to cry. I haven't been, but close to it. At work it's bad, because now I stand up at the front all alone, so of course my mind starts to wander onto the subject of him, and I just miss him more than I can bare. Yesterday when I came home, something was buzzing me and I freaked out a little until I realized that it was a blue dragonfly. It landed on one of our bushes in front of me and I was able to walk up real close and just stared for a minute. I said, "Are you Blake?" And it looked like it nodded several times, just as Blake used to do. It might have been a coincidence, but still it sort of made me tear up some. I just want my baby boy back. It feels weird even knowing I've had a kid before. I would give up EVERY night of going out to have him back in my arms. I want to be a mom again so bad, I can hardly stand it. A lot of my friends are having babies right now, and I'm SO happy for them, but so jealous as well. Nothing ever felt so right in my life as being his mom did, and I still can't fathom why that would be taken away from me. Maybe I just need to move on, but I don't think I'll ever be fully moved on. I don't ever want to be fully moved on.