Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well getting the ashes was even more emotional than what I thought it would be. I was able to hold it together until I got into my car and opened it. The bag of his ashes is so forces me to think about how small and young he was. Then I lost it and started sobbing, right there in the post office parking lot. Then I looked to my right and saw a lady parked next to me, staring as I cried. Awkward. I'm sure that was a pretty sight, since for one, no one looks cute crying, and then I had make up running down my face...yeah, beautiful. Then I went to go see my mom, and lost it again...can't win. I decided not to do anything with the ashes, just to keep them in his box of stuff. Well, some of them I will ship off to be made into a life gem when I can afford it, but that won't be for a while (unless i win/play the lottery). But I just don't really want to do anything that will get rid of him. I want him here, with me.

In other news, I have an interview Thursday with gymboree to maybe be a shift leader. :) Hello little pay raise! I'll still work at Fuds I guess, but still, at gymboree I can at least wear normal clothes to work. Kind of excited about that. Hopefully I get the job! So I can be stretched even more thin...but at least I'll have money, right? Ugh. But I think it would be fun. Hopefully the raise will be worth the gas job now is about six miles away. This will be about 21 away...for $1.10 more an hour. Enh. Guess we'll see. :P Why can't I just find a job on base as like a secretary???

And my school is stressing me out. Applying for the dental assisting program should not be this hard. It keeps coming up with error, so I asked the school about it and they said that I need to change my objective. So I tried to change it so that I could apply, and when I go to switch to dental assisting, it says that I can't switch it to that, only out of it. Catch 22 much? It's a little frustrating. I just want to apply!!! :( So, I guess tomorrow when I go to school, in between classes I'll talk to the councilors again about not being able to apply. I'm sure they're tired of seeing me. I just want to move forward in life, so I can get a real job and make a decent amount of money.

On top of everything else I have to worry about, I'm also thinking about how hard it's going to be to find a guy as into the natural parenting stuff as I am. Cloth diapering isn't as bad, even though most guys I know are against touching/cleaning/anything to do with cloth, but they don't mind if I do it myself. Breast feeding, well most guys I've met support that. The whole circumcising thing, that's a different story. I don't want to have it done; I feel like it's mean and very unnecessary. Finding a guy with the same opinion, now that's proving to be a task in itself. Who would have thought finding a guy who doesn't want to chop of part of their son's skin right at birth would be so difficult? It's one of those things I'm not willing to budge on. This is why I felt like being a single parent was easier sometimes.

Oh, and my lovely phone decided to delete all of my videos, most of my ringtones, and some of my pictures. Thanks phone, really. At least I already downloaded pretty much everything onto my computer. Now I just need to put it on a disc for further preservation. Most of my videos of Blake were on my phone, and I liked being able to watch them whenever I wanted...but not anymore I guess. :( At least next month I can use my upgrade and get a new one. I wish it were next month already.

Ummm, I think that's about it for now. Happy Valentine's day. It hasn't been exciting, besides getting the call for the interview and turning in some paperwork finally. I worked. And other than that, that's it. No plans lol. Oh well, I'm not big on Valentine's day (singles awareness day?) anyway. I think a little be later I'll go grocery shopping, since lord knows I need to do it badly. And I do mean badly lol. Hope everyone else is having a more eventful day than me!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Stretched much too thin

It feels like I haven't blogged in ages. And then I realized, it's because I haven't. Life has just been so hectic and stressful and fast paced lately...I just want a vacation where the most stressful thing I have to worry about is blogging. I'm just ready for a break. Not to complain, but I need somewhere to vent, right? Where to begin though. Well first, I finally moved. One of my best friends, Amber, and her boyfriend, Mark, bought a house together and they needed a roommate to help out on payments, so that's where I come in. Love the new place, just wish I could spend more time at it. Feels like I always have something going on that pulls me out of it (don't think too glamorous, it's normally work). I'm still working on moving all my stuff over here (most of it is here though, finally). So any free time I have during decent hours goes towards moving stuff over here and moving things to my storage unit. Thank god I have that thing. And then when I'm not doing that, I'm at work. I work between seven and eight shifts a week...and still don't make much money. Especially since I get benefits now, so that pretty much drains my paycheck. But it is nice to finally have insurance. If I'm not working, I'm more than likely dancing or baby sitting. Don't get me wrong, I love the little girl I baby sit, but I dread Fridays. Right now that's the only day I'm baby sitting, but I do it from 7:15 until 9, and then I got work a double at work. It just makes for a super long day.

As if that's not enough already, I have more. Had to do taxes (yay done), need to apply for the dental assisting program (which keeps coming up with an error, so need to ask the school about that one), need to file my final claim, need to file my FAFSA, trying to apply for a better paying job I've heard about, and just other random paper work. I need to win (play) the lotto, for real.

Baby boy's ashes came today, but I was at work and missed it. :( So I have to wait until tomorrow to get them. I don't know why it matters so much; I mean, it's not like it would change anything once I got them. I've waited eight months, what's one more day? I guess I just have in my head that if I had the ashes, then he would be more with me, and I couldn't possibly want anything more than that. I just hate the thought of any part of him spending any part of the night (or day) in any place other than right here with me. I just miss him more than I can stand, and it's hard going through everyday life, pretending everything is okay. And the worst thing is, there isn't anyway to make this part of me better; it's forever broken.

Did I mention that I can't wait to have another baby? A lot of my friends are having new babies right now, or are pregnant, and I want to be in that position so bad. I know I should wait, for at least maybe to be in a steady relationship, and to not work in a restaurant (hello dental assisting). And I more than likely will wait for all of those things to happen, I just wish they were right now.

Speaking of relationships, I'm talking (nothing really serious yet, don't get too excited) to this amazing guy...I'm not even kidding. He's beautiful, inside and out. Beautiful face, beautiful body, and super sweet and caring and just has his life totally together. I have no clue what in the world he sees in me, but I'm glad he does. :) Maybe this will continue on to be something good!

Other than that, I think that's all. Just worn out, that's for sure. But hoping maybe things will slow down or something really soon.