Monday, September 27, 2010

Not sure about anything

I've been a little uncomfortable lately, and I'm not sure what it is. I just don't feel quite myself. Maybe a little depressed? I just don't know. I'm looking for change I think. I need some change. I get in these phases where I just need change and I just get uncomfortable with my life and how I'm leading it. Not that I'm leading a bad life or anything, I just...I don't know, need more hours in the day I suppose. I mean I've still been keeping up with laundry and cooking more and trying to clean more, which is fine, but still I'm wanting to move out badly. Again, not like home life is bad, but I'm craving independence. More than what I ever have before. BUT, it's frustrating, because I feel like everyone who's agreed to move out with me has bailed. Like I said, just frustrating! I mean I understand that money sucks, but if you don't think you can, it's cool, but don't get my hopes up. I'm thinking about just getting a storage room (climate controlled) for now so I can move Blake's stuff into it, just for the sake of space. Not that I'm looking to get his stuff out of sight, but seriously it's cramped over here. I could REALLY use the extra space, and I'll feel a little less bad about taking up all the space here. SInce I wouldn't be and all. So yeah, toying with that idea.

I feel conflicted. I've been needing to be more creative (as I mentioned in the last post), and I want to be, but I'm hardly ever home. I guess it's partly my fault, since I get cabin fever like crazy, but still, that's where the more hours in a day come in. I'm still working six days a week, so yeah. I'm really needing to sew some diapers for some people that I want to, and just to do it. And I want to scrapbook some more, since I had plenty to do for Blake. And I've learned to knit, but I need to keep up with it. And I need to be home more during the day since I want to play with photography more. Just a lot of things I'm wanting to do.

On another note, while still trying to decide what to do with my life, I'm going to Tallahassee on Friday to visit the Aveda Institute for hair design. Not sure if I'm doing it or not, but I've done a few friends' hair, including both cutting and coloring, and I liked doing it. So I'm hoping that I might like this? IF I do it. I have commitment issues I believe with school haha. But this would be another way to let my creativity escape.

AND I'm thinking about chopping my hair off. I'm not sure how yet, but I think it might have something to do with my need for change. I always do this, grow my hair out, get tired of it, chop it off, miss my long hair, grow it out, get tired of it, chop it off, etc. Never ending cycle!!! But at the moment I'm a little tired of it, so I think I might do it. Again, not sure! But when am I ever sure about anything?

I thought I was okay, but lately I haven't really been. Like just sitting there thinking about Blake makes me tear up, and I don't like to cry. I haven't been, but close to it. At work it's bad, because now I stand up at the front all alone, so of course my mind starts to wander onto the subject of him, and I just miss him more than I can bare. Yesterday when I came home, something was buzzing me and I freaked out a little until I realized that it was a blue dragonfly. It landed on one of our bushes in front of me and I was able to walk up real close and just stared for a minute. I said, "Are you Blake?" And it looked like it nodded several times, just as Blake used to do. It might have been a coincidence, but still it sort of made me tear up some. I just want my baby boy back. It feels weird even knowing I've had a kid before. I would give up EVERY night of going out to have him back in my arms. I want to be a mom again so bad, I can hardly stand it. A lot of my friends are having babies right now, and I'm SO happy for them, but so jealous as well. Nothing ever felt so right in my life as being his mom did, and I still can't fathom why that would be taken away from me. Maybe I just need to move on, but I don't think I'll ever be fully moved on. I don't ever want to be fully moved on.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Thinking my all time low has passed

Things have definitely seemed to be looking up. As much as they can be anyway. My bad luck I've been having seems to be fading somewhat.

Example A: I've been extremely productive lately. I've been super keeping up with laundry and cleaning and just feeling all around less lazy. A very good thing, since after Blake passed I just didn't feel like doing anything chore-wise, and just sort of fell into a slump. I did that periodically as it was, but after he passed it was bad. Maybe because I didn't want to move his stuff. I did, and it was hard to not cry in the process. But it is nice to see my floor again. I've still been holding onto his pacifiers and everything though. I'm not sure why it's so hard to part with those, but it is. I don't want to throw his things away, even small things like that, not yet anyway. Too soon I guess. Anyway, I also haven't been biting my nails lately. I've been dealing with that bad habit ever since I could remember, and though I stop sometimes, something will happen that stresses me out and I start up again (like the passing of my son possibly?).

Example B: I think I'll probably end up moving out soon. :) Unfortunately, Celise isn't able to, and that makes me sad. :( But I have another friend who I think is willing to, and she'll be able to most likely next month, which is when I was wanting to as well. :) I'm so excited to do the whole moving out thing, I think even more than I was the first time. Probably because I know for a fact that I will have help in paying for it (split rent and utilities), I'll have MORE than one room, and it's not as new this time around. It's not that home life is bad at ALL, it's just an issue of space. It's a small house, and I have a lot of stuff. I feel like such a free loader and that I'm cluttering the house with my stuff. Probably because I am. :P

Example C: I don't feel like I can write this blog about how much happier I've been lately and all the ups in my life without at least mentioning Adam. I must admit, I think he would be a big reason of why I've been smiling lately. He's just really sweet to me...well kind of. Well, actually no, he just rags on me all the time. :) I'm just kidding. Well, I mean he does pick on me always, but always in good fun (can't say I don't do the same to him), and he is sweet to me often. It's nice to find someone who seems to be as into me as I am to him. I think we have fun together, and so far, so good.

In other news, Mom's about to teach me to knit. :) I'm really excited! There are so many knitted things that I want to make, but I don't know how! On top of being productive lately, I've been feeling crafty too. I've been itching to make some more diapers, since I need to anyway, but I need to buy more of the backing flannel, since I only got the flashy outside material in bulk. Didn't really think about the other side...oops. I think I might want to start up a photography business on the side. I have a decent camera, and I don't think my photo taking abilities are that bad, so maybe. :) I'm going to use my friend's brand new baby (Ms. Eliana) as a guinea pig, with mommy's permission of course. I'm excited to see how that goes! Might be the make it or break it point for that idea. It'd be a nice second job.

School-wise, I finally got the letter saying I was approved for graduation with my associates of the arts degree in general education. :) Woo! Not that I was too worried about it. I think I might just go back to that school to get a degree in Office Administration with an emphasis in the medical office. Fancy wording for secretary in the medical office. But that's all I really want to do anyway. I don't really want to be a big career woman; I'm much more interested in just eventually getting married, having kids, cooking, and cleaning. I know people in the past fought for women to not be stuck in that sort of lifestyle, but all the same that's just what I want. Now I just need to find a guy who wants that for me too! Ha.

Well, I think for now that may be it. I still think of Blake everyday, and I don't want that to ever change. I've been missing him a lot lately, but when don't I? I just love him so much. ♥