Friday, July 30, 2010

Happy almost first birthday Blake

It's so hard to believe that at this time one year ago, I was in labor, preparing to meet my perfect baby boy for the first time. Before I knew all the things that would go wrong. I mean, I knew some things were not going right, for example the fact that he had quit growing, but I never thought it would end in this way. I would give anything in the world to be back at that hospital and with child again. I miss him so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I don't think or plan on that ever stopping either.

Last week my friend Sabrina had her daughter, Stella's, birthday party. Her and Blake were exactly three days apart. We were at one point going to have a combined birthday party, but obviously those plans got foiled. She still had a little area set up though for him. Sabrina, Kathy, Kassie, their daughters, and I all wrote notes to Blake on dragonfly card stock cut outs and stapled them to balloons. We then sang happy birthday to my beloved angel and let go of the balloons for him to receive. It was beautiful, and I was on the verge of tears (I hate crying, especially since I had to go straight to work after) the whole time. Going to the past few birthday parties for my other friend's babies was fun, but still hard. I can take it, but it was so hard to watch them play in their birthday cake. I was so looking forward to the moment that Blake would be able to do that. I hope my next kids, all of them, are 100% healthy.

The other night I came home late and it was a cloudy night, but it was still beautiful anyway. I looked up into them and saw my son, my baby. Call me crazy, dazed, mad or whatever, but I know what I saw. The baby in the sky even had Blake's feet. I couldn't bring myself to move from that spot, so I didn't. Instead I stood out there and talked to him. I told him how much I loved him and wished him a happy early birthday and such. I told him more about his favorite dog and asked him if he could say dog, like I always did. That was his first word after all. As I talked to him, eventually his shape in the clouds shifted away, but in another part of the sky another image came to life. There was a vivid image of my favorite ultrasound picture of him, back when I thought everything was okay. It had the hand on top of his head and everything.

I miss being a mom so much. I even find myself doing motherly things around my friend's kids, and I hope it doesn't bother them, it's just a habit. Like wiping messy faces or freaking when they fall or just playing with them. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful group of mommy friends that allow me to play with their babies, it helps a lot. I just can't wait to do it all again. A lot of my friends just had babies, and as happy as I am for them, I'm also so jealous. I want so bad to hold a new bundle of joy in my arms. I think it would help me a bit to move on from everything. I'm not super struggling now, but all the same I think it would help. But as weird as it sounds, I think I might actually want to get married first. I'm just worried that it'll take a while. I'm single as it is right now, so I guess not even heading in the right direction towards marriage. I want another baby on the way now, but obviously I would never get married that fast. So I guess I'll just have to be patient. Patience was never one of my virtues.

In other news, I just signed up for a dance class. I'm really excited, I haven't danced in a long time (not with a class anyway) and I just really miss it a lot. Me and my friend Celise are going to take it together. I'm just worried that I'll be really bad at it since I've been out of practice for so long. I just hate doing a bad job at anything. I'm still excited though, I just can't wait! That's the only class I'm signed up for at the moment. Still no clue what to do. I think I'll just go ahead and do the dental assisting program. I have a little bit of a medical background that I think will help out a little, and it's only a three semester course. I like the shortness of it. I mean, I already have my associates degree, so now what? I can't get a Bachelors at NWFSC, and either way I'm not sure what I would get it in anyway, and this is quicker. But I'll have to wait until next year to start since the deadline for applying for this year has passed, so I guess I'll just dance and work this year. I can live with the break. :) Maybe the break will get me super pumped and ready for the hardcore program ahead of me (or just make me dread it haha). I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on and move on with life. I mean, I'm 21, living at home, and still working in a restaurant making next to nothing for pay. I say it's about time I got my stuff together.


Blake's birthday balloon send off. I love you sweetie, happy first birthday. <3

Sunday, July 11, 2010

And a month has passed...

Today has been a month since the day my little angel passed. What a month it's been, full of ups and downs. Worst month of my life. I'm not sure how I've survived it, but somehow I have. I can still remember every detail about this day a month earlier. I can remember the way his hair felt when I rubbed my lips on it, I can remember how his cool head felt on my chest and beneath his hair, but how warm the rest of his little body was in my kangaroo care. I think the coolness of his head is the sensation that stands out most for me. He always had a warm, sweaty head, and it was so different feeling it that cool. Me thinking about it just brings tears to my eyes; to me if felt like a sign that he really had left his body, and it felt so empty. Today is going to be a hard day.

Last night at work (in reality, a few hours ago), while I was doing my closing duties and was alone, I sang him his lullaby (Colors of the Wind, when I'd sing it to him, he'd always calm down) and towards the end and after I had goose bumps and felt chilled. I'm not sure if it was just a coincidence or maybe from me thinking of him, or if maybe he were there with me; I'm not sure how one would feel if they knew a spirit was there with him. I hope he was with me. I've finally dreamed of him. The first dream I had wasn't really a good one; I had dreamed that one of my sisters had died, but he was alive. It was still sad, and randomly in the dream I was walking around a store with him wondering why I couldn't buy him things anymore, like I knew for some reason I couldn't, but I couldn't remember why. And then the second and latest time, he was just alive, and I was again confused. Like I knew he was dead, but he wasn't, or like it was something I knew was coming soon, but he wasn't. It's hard to explain. Like he was gone, but still with me and I still took care of him and he still cried and needed changes, and slept and woke up and talked and ate and everything. Why am I confused in all my dreams? In all of them I feel like I'm missing a key part of information, like I just couldn't remember, the feeling you get when you walk into a room and you just KNOW you came in there for something, but can't think of what exactly. That's how I feel the whole dream, but he's with me, and I never want to wake up.

I'm still desperately wanting another baby, boy or girl. I can't decide which I'd rather, but not like I have much say in it anyway. It was really cute at work; there was this little girl, couldn't have been more than two, and she kept talking to me and grabbing my hand and pulling me around the shop. After a couple times of that, I was standing behind the counter and she walks over and goes "Hey!" so I say hey back. Then she blurts out "I love you!" It was SO cute. She had blond curly hair (think Shirley Temple), a big white bow in it, and big blue eyes. Adorable! Melted my heart. Or the other day Stella (Sabrina's daughter) was crawling/walking around the living room while I was visiting and she came over, sat in my lap, and laid her head in my chest. It was really sweet. :) I wonder if she remembers Blake, or if Blake visits her. I need another little baby so bad, and hopefully one without any health problems this time. I'm not sure what I'd do if my next baby had AGS. Well, yes I do, I would love him or her unconditionally and hope and pray that he/she has a better ending than little Blake did, and that they grow old without any big complications. But regardless, I hope they don't. I think this time I would be even more worried about things going wrong big time, and I was worried enough with Blake. But, things seemed to be going good for the most part, but then that happened. So even when things would seem good with the next baby (really whether he/she has AGS or not) I'll be a little worried that something will be wrong and I not know it. How will I be able to NOT have a CT done every once in a while to make sure my baby isn't bleeding in the brain? As if my paranoia needed to get any worse.

I've been faced with a lot of choices lately, but much too complicated to be put here and subjected to everyone's criticisms and such. Just kind of stressing me out. But me and my friend Celise should be moving out together soon, and that makes me super excited. :) I really can't wait! We're fun together. So at least there's an upside to all of this. I'm not sure, just today has been hard. It's been a while since all I had to do was look his picture and I could start crying. I just want my little boy back.


Saturday, July 3, 2010

Has it really been that long already?

So it's officially been three weeks since Blake has passed. I still miss him a ton, but I guess the pain is a little less now. In a way. I've dealt with a lot of deaths I suppose (my dad and a few friends, some closer than others), so I feel like that has kinda helped me know just how to deal. Regardless, this is harder than any of those other deaths, but I've been trying to keep going.

I've been meaning to write a new blog since the last one, but just couldn't think of what to say. I'm back to work now and have been bitten by the creative bug. I've been doing projects left and right, keeping busy so that I don't have too much time to dwell on things (never a good thing for me). It's fun, and it's making me better at sewing and such. I just wish I still had Blake to sew for. He's such an inspiration to me. If it weren't for him, I would've never even thought about learning to sew, but I'm glad I did. I feel like I picked up on it all pretty fast, and maybe it's in my blood (Mom is a fantastic seamstress). She's agreed to teach me how to crochet and knit, so hopefully I'll know how soon. :) I've been driven more than even now to start up my own business. I've decided to call it Dragonfly Meadows Diaper Boutique. Through that business I plan to first start making fitted diapers and donating them to third world countries, for families that can't afford diapers on their own. I want to do this in the name of Blake. Second I plan to take a portion of my profit that I make with my business (hopefully I actually have some customers!) and put it towards the Alagille Syndrome Alliance. I just want to do whatever I can to help people. I love helping others, and I want to do something to help another family with AGS to not have to experience what I (or many other families) have experienced. Hopefully that all works out.

I'm also looking at a new job. My friend notified me that a lady is hiring on base (making appointments), and I was given her number. I called but had to leave a message, but she never called back, but with July 4th right around the corner, she may be swamped or just gone, so I plan to call back Tuesday if she hasn't gotten back with me before that. Man, I hope they still have the opening. The pay is WAY better than my current job, the hours are better (still full time), more constant, and it's only Monday through Friday. With this new pay, I could afford to buy a house. I could do so much more with this new pay. So wish me luck and cross your fingers for me! :)

I still have hard days. They have gotten easier than those first few, but I still have moments where I forget he's gone, and then some where it feels like he never really existed. And then there's a lot of the time where it feels like I'm still pregnant with him. Sometimes I'll even feel phantom movements or aches and pains like I would get sometimes when I was pregnant and think it's him. It's hard to look at all the cute pictures of him and think about never taking any new pictures of that beautiful face ever again. There's still some photos on my camera that I need to upload, I just haven't yet. There are clothes he's never worn, shoes he's never filled, places I never got the chance to take him. There was so much that I wanted to do with him. I want another baby now (have for a long while), and I'm tired of people insinuating that I'm trying to replace Blake. That's not it at all. At all. I try to explain it to people, but they still don't get it, I guess unless you've lost a child. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child understands where I'm coming from, so I know I'm not crazy. I really do think it would help me along in the healing process a lot, as it has for every other parent I know that has conceived again after the loss of their baby. This was definitely not a group that I had wanted to or planned on joining. Every night before I go to bed I watch my favorite video of him on my phone, and he just laughs and coos and is so happy, exactly how I want to remember him. Sometimes images from our last hours together haunt me; that's not how I want to remember him. But still, from time to time an image of my lifeless baby will flash in my mind, or from the morning where he first went into his coma or when he was doing the odd squirming with his arms. I believe I saw him when he first went into his coma, when I thought he was just sleepy, and I think that's where I find the most guilt. I try to not do this to myself, but I still can't help but to wonder if this would've turned out differently if I had tried to wake him up then and figured this out sooner. I try to tell myself that once he went into the coma it was probably too late, but I don't know that. Hours passed before I realized that something was wrong. Time was of the essence, and I wish I had figured it out sooner. I just miss holding his sweet body next to mine, he was such a cuddly baby and a mommy's boy. I would give anything to have him back in my arms. I'm still getting the emails that I signed up for about how old he is, week by week, and what's probably happening this week developmentally. I should probably turn them off, I just haven't taken the time to do it. I guess all I can do now is cross my fingers and hope and pray that the next baby won't have anything wrong with him/her and remember Blake everyday. I do anyway, and I still talk to him him everyday, telling him how much I love and miss him, and pretending that his little dog is his body pressed to mine instead. I just can't wait to see him again, and not have to worry about letting go.