Last week my friend Sabrina had her daughter, Stella's, birthday party. Her and Blake were exactly three days apart. We were at one point going to have a combined birthday party, but obviously those plans got foiled. She still had a little area set up though for him. Sabrina, Kathy, Kassie, their daughters, and I all wrote notes to Blake on dragonfly card stock cut outs and stapled them to balloons. We then sang happy birthday to my beloved angel and let go of the balloons for him to receive. It was beautiful, and I was on the verge of tears (I hate crying, especially since I had to go straight to work after) the whole time. Going to the past few birthday parties for my other friend's babies was fun, but still hard. I can take it, but it was so hard to watch them play in their birthday cake. I was so looking forward to the moment that Blake would be able to do that. I hope my next kids, all of them, are 100% healthy.
The other night I came home late and it was a cloudy night, but it was still beautiful anyway. I looked up into them and saw my son, my baby. Call me crazy, dazed, mad or whatever, but I know what I saw. The baby in the sky even had Blake's feet. I couldn't bring myself to move from that spot, so I didn't. Instead I stood out there and talked to him. I told him how much I loved him and wished him a happy early birthday and such. I told him more about his favorite dog and asked him if he could say dog, like I always did. That was his first word after all. As I talked to him, eventually his shape in the clouds shifted away, but in another part of the sky another image came to life. There was a vivid image of my favorite ultrasound picture of him, back when I thought everything was okay. It had the hand on top of his head and everything.
I miss being a mom so much. I even find myself doing motherly things around my friend's kids, and I hope it doesn't bother them, it's just a habit. Like wiping messy faces or freaking when they fall or just playing with them. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful group of mommy friends that allow me to play with their babies, it helps a lot. I just can't wait to do it all again. A lot of my friends just had babies, and as happy as I am for them, I'm also so jealous. I want so bad to hold a new bundle of joy in my arms. I think it would help me a bit to move on from everything. I'm not super struggling now, but all the same I think it would help. But as weird as it sounds, I think I might actually want to get married first. I'm just worried that it'll take a while. I'm single as it is right now, so I guess not even heading in the right direction towards marriage. I want another baby on the way now, but obviously I would never get married that fast. So I guess I'll just have to be patient. Patience was never one of my virtues.
In other news, I just signed up for a dance class. I'm really excited, I haven't danced in a long time (not with a class anyway) and I just really miss it a lot. Me and my friend Celise are going to take it together. I'm just worried that I'll be really bad at it since I've been out of practice for so long. I just hate doing a bad job at anything. I'm still excited though, I just can't wait! That's the only class I'm signed up for at the moment. Still no clue what to do. I think I'll just go ahead and do the dental assisting program. I have a little bit of a medical background that I think will help out a little, and it's only a three semester course. I like the shortness of it. I mean, I already have my associates degree, so now what? I can't get a Bachelors at NWFSC, and either way I'm not sure what I would get it in anyway, and this is quicker. But I'll have to wait until next year to start since the deadline for applying for this year has passed, so I guess I'll just dance and work this year. I can live with the break. :) Maybe the break will get me super pumped and ready for the hardcore program ahead of me (or just make me dread it haha). I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on and move on with life. I mean, I'm 21, living at home, and still working in a restaurant making next to nothing for pay. I say it's about time I got my stuff together.
Blake's birthday balloon send off. I love you sweetie, happy first birthday. <3