Sunday, July 11, 2010

And a month has passed...

Today has been a month since the day my little angel passed. What a month it's been, full of ups and downs. Worst month of my life. I'm not sure how I've survived it, but somehow I have. I can still remember every detail about this day a month earlier. I can remember the way his hair felt when I rubbed my lips on it, I can remember how his cool head felt on my chest and beneath his hair, but how warm the rest of his little body was in my kangaroo care. I think the coolness of his head is the sensation that stands out most for me. He always had a warm, sweaty head, and it was so different feeling it that cool. Me thinking about it just brings tears to my eyes; to me if felt like a sign that he really had left his body, and it felt so empty. Today is going to be a hard day.

Last night at work (in reality, a few hours ago), while I was doing my closing duties and was alone, I sang him his lullaby (Colors of the Wind, when I'd sing it to him, he'd always calm down) and towards the end and after I had goose bumps and felt chilled. I'm not sure if it was just a coincidence or maybe from me thinking of him, or if maybe he were there with me; I'm not sure how one would feel if they knew a spirit was there with him. I hope he was with me. I've finally dreamed of him. The first dream I had wasn't really a good one; I had dreamed that one of my sisters had died, but he was alive. It was still sad, and randomly in the dream I was walking around a store with him wondering why I couldn't buy him things anymore, like I knew for some reason I couldn't, but I couldn't remember why. And then the second and latest time, he was just alive, and I was again confused. Like I knew he was dead, but he wasn't, or like it was something I knew was coming soon, but he wasn't. It's hard to explain. Like he was gone, but still with me and I still took care of him and he still cried and needed changes, and slept and woke up and talked and ate and everything. Why am I confused in all my dreams? In all of them I feel like I'm missing a key part of information, like I just couldn't remember, the feeling you get when you walk into a room and you just KNOW you came in there for something, but can't think of what exactly. That's how I feel the whole dream, but he's with me, and I never want to wake up.

I'm still desperately wanting another baby, boy or girl. I can't decide which I'd rather, but not like I have much say in it anyway. It was really cute at work; there was this little girl, couldn't have been more than two, and she kept talking to me and grabbing my hand and pulling me around the shop. After a couple times of that, I was standing behind the counter and she walks over and goes "Hey!" so I say hey back. Then she blurts out "I love you!" It was SO cute. She had blond curly hair (think Shirley Temple), a big white bow in it, and big blue eyes. Adorable! Melted my heart. Or the other day Stella (Sabrina's daughter) was crawling/walking around the living room while I was visiting and she came over, sat in my lap, and laid her head in my chest. It was really sweet. :) I wonder if she remembers Blake, or if Blake visits her. I need another little baby so bad, and hopefully one without any health problems this time. I'm not sure what I'd do if my next baby had AGS. Well, yes I do, I would love him or her unconditionally and hope and pray that he/she has a better ending than little Blake did, and that they grow old without any big complications. But regardless, I hope they don't. I think this time I would be even more worried about things going wrong big time, and I was worried enough with Blake. But, things seemed to be going good for the most part, but then that happened. So even when things would seem good with the next baby (really whether he/she has AGS or not) I'll be a little worried that something will be wrong and I not know it. How will I be able to NOT have a CT done every once in a while to make sure my baby isn't bleeding in the brain? As if my paranoia needed to get any worse.

I've been faced with a lot of choices lately, but much too complicated to be put here and subjected to everyone's criticisms and such. Just kind of stressing me out. But me and my friend Celise should be moving out together soon, and that makes me super excited. :) I really can't wait! We're fun together. So at least there's an upside to all of this. I'm not sure, just today has been hard. It's been a while since all I had to do was look his picture and I could start crying. I just want my little boy back.



Truc said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Blake is lucky to have you as a mother. And you are lucky to have him as your son. I am writing in the present tense because as long as he is in your heart, his spirit lives.

Hil said...


I found you through my blog and followed your link over. I am in tears as I read about your story. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, even though those words just don't seem to be adequate.

I too experienced the loss of one of my sons. Michael was stillborn in November. We lost him to a condition called Ebstein's Anomaly. It was the most heart wrenching experience of my life. The only thing that has gotten me through is the knowledge I have that I will see him again one day and have the chance to raise him. I know you will too with your sweet little boy!

Please feel free to contact or email me any time you need someone to talk to.

Lots of love and hugs being sent your way.

Melissa said...

Every time I read your newest blogs I cry. Your words are so heartfelt and I can only imagine how hard it is for you to write each word. I'm not sure why but I feel a connection to you and your story. I believe your sweet baby boy is with you every day.
Kinda weird but I like to sing my son Disney songs too and they always seem to cheer him up so I know what you mean about Colors of the Wind.
I hope you find a little bit of peace every day in the little things that remind you of him. I truly believe those are things that he sends to you.

sheila riannon said...

Thanks all of you. <3 It's really hard to not be his mother anymore, even though I suppose I am, but to not do motherly things for him. Or watching him grow and learn new things.

Tribal Mother said...

Bless you. Healing and are and always will keep that motherly nature and that is a blessing to us all. Peace. Angel Blake, Thank you for your light.