Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Is it really almost Christmas???

It is! So hard to believe too. Holy cow. It pretty much just snuck up on me. I'm so not ready. I'm actually not doing Christmas this year. No money! I'm so tired of being broke. Hopefully I'll be a little less broke soon. I am moving in with Nate sometime before the end of the year, which is fast approaching. I'm so excited to be moved in 100%. I have minimal amounts of things here, but I still have to run back to Destin every once in a while to grab things. I'm just ready to have everything in one spot again. AND then I can move Lucie in!

Oh, I forgot, you don't know about Lucie. :D She's my adorable little kitten. She's the sweetest little thing! Such a little princess. She's been staying with my mom, just until I can get moved in here all the way. Mom says she's really going to miss her when she comes to live with me. I guess she could technically come live here now, but Nate's roommate that's moving out has a dog, which he says is fine with kitties, and I'm sure she is, but Lucie is scared of her. Plus this gives her some extra litter box training before she gets over here. Have I mentioned how sweet she is???


Anyway, nursing is going good. Pretty much made it through core classes! We start our clinicals in the nursing home on January 2nd. I'm a little nervous, but excited. :) I just hope that I don't forget everything I've learned in the time I'm off. I've made so many new friends from this program, I love them all. I've heard you start to hate each other next semester...I sure hope not.

Well, I can't really think of anything else new, but I just wanted to give you all a little update. Hopefully soonish I'll have some even more exciting news. :)

Nate and I at his work Christmas party. :)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Long time no blog?

So it feels like I haven't blogged in a good while. And then I realized, it's because I haven't. And sooo much has happened. I guess I'll start from the top and work my way to the most recent.

So I suppose the first thing I'll talk about, nursing! I ended up getting into the program, which started October 24th, and so far I love it. :) I feel like I'm doing really well in it. Granted it's still really early on, but I feel like my ability to absorb information has been heightened. I also feel like I'm more ready for this sort of program than what I was when I was in the radiography program. I don't know if I'm just more mature (well obviously I am), or if I'm just in a more stable environment. Back then I was struggling to live with Ryan, and I was so stressed all the time, about everything. I still get stressed, mainly about money, and granted I still sort of struggle, but not like I did back then. I feel like I'm better at studying too. Back then I was so bad at studying, just because I never had to before. I'm not sure exactly when I figured out how to study, but I'm so glad I did. In fact, right now I SHOULD be working on a project due in December, but I've been really feeling the urge to blog lately, and finally had some down time where I could make that happen, so I said why not. I also really ought to be doing at least one load of laundry, but you see how well that's going too. We start clinicals in January, which I can't decide if I'm more excited or nervous for. During clinicals we're going to be doing a lot of things that I've never done before, and let's just say, we'll be getting VERY well acquainted with the residents of the nursing home. But I keep telling myself that I've done clinicals before and have worked with people as a medical professional, and I did just fine, so I think once I get used to it I'll be okay.

What next? Me and Adam broke up. It was my decision, he's not happy about it at all, as I figured that he wouldn't be. I feel bad, because I still care about him, and I hope he's well, but I just wasn't feeling it anymore. Maybe it was the distance, it certainly didn't help, but either way I wanted out. I wish we could have just kept being friends when we broke up the second time, instead of getting back together. If I really wanted to, I suppose that I could've made it work, because we didn't have any major issues, but I refuse to settle with someone that I can just "make it work." I'm after a very specific feeling before I decide I'm staying in this for life.

Speaking of which, I think I've found that feeling. Me and Nate have officially started dating. I can't remember ever being so crazy over someone before. Even my mom can tell. She says I seem so much more happier after being with Nate. And I am! We see eye to eye on so many things, subjects that I often wondered if I would ever find a guy to agree with me on. I feel like someone created a person who was perfect for me, and I got so lucky as to find this person. I'm pretty positive that he's as crazy for me as I am for him too. Which makes things even better. Some people might say that we're moving a bit fast, but I'm a firm believer in when you know, you know. It'd only be too fast if either of us were uncomfortable, and I know for a fact neither of us are. I actually love it. :) I might be moving in with him soon, but it's still kind of up in the air. I sort of hope so, even though I despise moving. But there would be no stairs, rent would be $100 cheaper (could really use that right now), it'd be a little closer to school and a lot closer to dance (not to mention I would have to use gas to see him, a nice little perk), but a little farther from work. I haven't lived with a guy I was seeing since Ryan, so this will be way different than any of my other roommates. But I'm very confident that it will be multitudes better than living with Ryan. I'm excited over all, and hopefully things all work out. I am however a little nervous to bring it up to my roommate now that I'm moving out (if I do). I want to give her enough time to find a new roommate (if she wants one, which I think she does), and I don't want her to resent me once I move out. Not that I would probably see her too much after, but still, no need to make enemies.

Let's see, what else new? Nothing too significant I suppose besides all of that (quite a bit I would say). But okay, there's your update. :) Maybe I won't go so long between next time!

Friday, September 30, 2011

Dance Class

So I know that it's been a while, but I just thought that this deserves some blog-worthy attention. As many of you know, I take dance class. Well tuesday we started learning this new dance. It's absolutely beautiful and deep and meaningful...and about a mother losing her baby. The song is Held by Natalie Grant. As soon as I started to listen to the lyrics I had to actively work to fight back tears. I thought today (Thursday) (technically yesterday) would be easier, since I had some time to prepare myself. And it was, that is until my instructor started talking about the meaning of the song to him and how sometimes things happen to your child that are out of your control and you just have to let them go and fight it on their own. I was luckily able to fight back everything until after class when I got into my car. Then I kind of lost it a little. He kept telling us to tell our own story. He knows my story, vaguely. I'm not sure if he was meaning me or not, but I don't want to tell my own story; it doesn't have a happy ending. I so want to do this piece passionately, since it hits so close to home, but I'm not sure if I'll find the strength to do so without breaking down. Nothing in this world makes me break down like thinking about the moments where he slipped through my fingers, and it's not that fun trying to fight back tears everytime I go to class. I wish I was stronger; you would think that I would be past this by now, wouldn't I? It's been over a year, and for the most part I'm okay, but this song just brings up so much raw emotion, I'm not sure how to cope. I'm just hoping it gets easier in time, like most everything else does.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Great News!

So, a few weeks ago I took the entrance exam for the nursing program here (LPN, probably go on to get my RN in Georgia, but maybe not, unsure), and not even a week before the test day, I discovered I had been studying the wrong book. I was so upset! The book I was studying was for the RN program at another school, and I was borrowing it from my roommate. She thought they were the same tests, which I think would make sense. Nope, not one bit. I continued to study the book I had, hoping that it would have pretty much the same info. The test day comes up and oh my gosh, was that test hard. The science portion of the test was hardly anything like the one I had been studying. I memorized all of these formulas and values and such, and I didn't use any of them. There were however a lot of cell diagrams and questions about different reactions with chemicals that I had seen since the ninth and tenth grades. Ugh. My overall score after all the sections was a 143. I'm not sure how this ranks as far as doing well or not. The thing said that 100 was average, but people usually made between a 50 and a 150, and the highest possible was a 200. So I wasn't really sure how I ranked against everyone else, but considering that most people probably had the right book and I'm assuming everyone else studied for at least a couple months like I did (especially since it costs $40 to test), I really thought that I was out for this round. I was a little upset, but I was trying to not let it get to me. The last day for testing was September 14th (I tested September 2nd), and they told me that they would be setting up interviews after that. Now Emma, one of my friends who went through and graduated from this program, told me that they only interview people who did well enough on the test, and that they look at the highest scores first for interviews. So you can imagine how extremely surprised I was when I got a phone call on September 16th to schedule an interview. :) I'm sooo excited. I just hope that Emma's right about only interviewing those who did well enough on the test to get in. I'm not sure why they would change their application technique though, since I saw the stack of applications when I signed up for the test. It was HUGE. I so hope that I make the cut. It would be perfect since it would give me something to focus on while Adam's deployed. Which he doesn't deploy for a while still, but he'll be gone for about half of the program. So basically I just need everyone to cross their fingers for me that I have an awesome interview and that I make it in. :D

Monday, September 12, 2011

New Blog!

Hey everyone! I've FINALLY created my own beauty blog, where I can blog about my favorite products. :) I haven't really done so yet, since I just made it and now I have to go to work (booo), but soon I plan to. Follow me!

Blush Lush Beauty

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The summer rush is ending

And since the summer rush is ending, hopefully I'll have more time to blog. :) Since I know I've been terrible about keeping up with it. Sorry!

So Blake's birthday I spent in Georgia with Adam, and we released a balloon for him. I tried my best to keep it together, mainly for Adam's sake, and I would say that I did a pretty good job. Not that I think Adam would think any less of me if I did lose it, especially for this reason, but I just hate crying in front of anyone, even family. Speaking of Adam, I miss him, a lot. I get to see him more than some people get to see their loves in the military, but even so it's really not that often. I know it'll be worse when he deploys, and I keep telling myself that, and it helps a little. I guess. But I know all of it is worth it because I love him and he loves me, and you can't really go wrong with that recipe. :)

I know this is the wrong time to decide to do this, since summer is on it's way out (don't get me wrong, isn't still miserable here in Florida), but I've decided to lose some weight. Not a lot, like maybe eight pounds, but still, I want to do this. All I did this summer was put on weight, not so fun. Well actually, it was fun, until the girth appeared lol. But I just want to look in shape again and I miss my muscle. I want to do zumba, but that costs money and that's just something I don't have right now. Plus I have horrible skin and that's been acting up lately and I hate it. People are absolutely shameless about pointing it out too...I usually tell them it's skin cancer and they shut up kinda fast ha. It's not, but still, I don't point out their flaws, why do they need to pick apart mine? Jerks. So basically I'm going to work really hard at fixing my body image to be something I'm happy with. I told Adam about such plans and he says to do what ever makes me happy, and I told him that I'm not happy about my body right now, and that's why I've been running/walking two miles a night. He told me he's happy that if it makes me unhappy, he's happy I'm doing something about it instead of just complaining and that he loves me for it. :) Did I mention I miss him?

That's about it. Me and Melissa are trying to get a place together, more in town, because I hate being so far away from everything. Wish us luck on that! But I'll try to write more later.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My, how time flies

One year ago today, I wrote probably my most famous blog on how I came to lose my precious little boy. Yesterday was the one year on his actual death, and it's really hard to believe. On one hand, it feels like he was only here yesterday. On the other hand, it feels like he's been gone forever. At times, it's hard to believe I even ever had a son, and it feels a lot like a dream. I hate that. I hate being accustomed to life without him. I should have never even had to become that way. I miss him so much. I feel like a lot of my life is spent missing people, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Anyway, I tried to not really think about the significance of yesterday. I treated it like a normal day, went to work, ran errands, worked on laundry, you know, normal stuff. Of course it was always in the back of my mind, knowing that today was a day I had been dreading for quite sometime. The day before yesterday, the date that he first didn't wake up, I had a terrible migraine. I'm sure it was just coincidence, but it was still a little weird, since I rarely get headaches at all, and I should get one the day the blood vessel popped in his brain. Sympathy headache maybe? I'm not sure, but I just hope his pain receptors were the first thing to go. I hope that massive headache wasn't the last thing that he could feel. I've always wondered that, and think I always will. Overall, yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, mainly through avoidance and keeping myself plenty busy.

On a happier note, me and Adam have been doing fantastic. He's graduated, in Kansas visiting family right now, and coming back in either two or three days to spend about a week with me before he gets stationed in Georgia. :) I can't wait! I miss him so much. I'm so glad I finally let myself be in a full on relationship with him. I think after Blake, I had some serious commitment issues. Sort of. Like I knew I wanted to be with someone, but I would just push people away once they started to get too close. I finally let myself open up, and it flourished. I've been so happy with him, happier than I've been in a long, long time. The security is nice too; I'm not worried about him changing his mind or finding some other girl, just as he doesn't need to worry about it either. I can't believe next month will mark one year since we started seeing each other. We actually met on Blake's birthday. It's crazy how time flies.

In other news, I'm trying to decide between going to school to be an LPN, or going to school to be a massage therapist. The massage therapist would be quicker, and everyone says I would be really good at it. And I give massages at work all the time anyway, might as well get paid decently for it, right? :) The program is only 8 months long, but they don't take bright futures. Boo. If I was a military spouse, they would pay I think $4000 of it, so I would only have to work on like $1500. And they could do a monthly payment plan for me too. If only. Adam said I could borrow his last name for a bit (he's in the Army), but I think I would rather wait for the forever variety (if it should ever happen). I don't know, I know when he comes back here we're gunna discuss me MAYBE attempting to go to Ga with him. That's a big maybe though, because he can't live off base yet, and we're not married, so I would have to pay to live up there by myself. Which if I had a good serving job up there, I could probably do it. I don't know, maybe I'll try to finish school down here and then maybe move up there, since I would be making a lot more money. Oh decisions, they're never ending.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Meet Rylee :)

I got a hedgehog today! (Well, technically yesterday now). Her name is Rylee. :) She's so cute! When I first got her, she was super into exploring and all that, but since I got her home, she's super timid and had been sleeping a lot. :( I wanna play with her, but if she's sleepy then I don't want to wake her up. Plus maybe the change is a lot for her, so maybe I should just let her sleep for tonight. Either way, she's definitely a cutie. :)


I got the job at Gymboree, but I haven't started yet. But I also ended up getting a raise at Fuds, so I'm not sure it would really be worth the drive to San Destin now. So I'm thinking I might just tell Gymboree thanks, but no thanks. I also am officially applied to the dental assisting program. :) And holy cow, to get into the program is kinda cut throat! I still need to get CPR certified, which I'm signed up for a class on March 18th, and then I can get the letter inviting me to the program. And then I still need to get a physical and a dental check up before I can really get into the program. And a background check, which I can do as soon as I bring the paper work over to my mom's, since I can't do it through Safari. Booo! I also can't do my FAFSA on safari. Double boo! So I guess that means I need to go to my mom's soon to do all that. And then, once I get all that done, I have to sign up for this online summer course to secure my spot on the program. Basically I need to act fast, because they only accept 24 people in the program. Eek! I'm a little nervous about it, not gunna lie. Ugh. I just really want to get this program out of the way so I can have a better paying job. Please? I guess all I have to do besides get these things done is hope for the best.

Good news! My phone in fact didn't delete anything. :) My SIM card had just become dislodged. Probably from one of the many times that I have dropped it. Oops! But at least I figured it out. Haha.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well getting the ashes was even more emotional than what I thought it would be. I was able to hold it together until I got into my car and opened it. The bag of his ashes is so forces me to think about how small and young he was. Then I lost it and started sobbing, right there in the post office parking lot. Then I looked to my right and saw a lady parked next to me, staring as I cried. Awkward. I'm sure that was a pretty sight, since for one, no one looks cute crying, and then I had make up running down my face...yeah, beautiful. Then I went to go see my mom, and lost it again...can't win. I decided not to do anything with the ashes, just to keep them in his box of stuff. Well, some of them I will ship off to be made into a life gem when I can afford it, but that won't be for a while (unless i win/play the lottery). But I just don't really want to do anything that will get rid of him. I want him here, with me.

In other news, I have an interview Thursday with gymboree to maybe be a shift leader. :) Hello little pay raise! I'll still work at Fuds I guess, but still, at gymboree I can at least wear normal clothes to work. Kind of excited about that. Hopefully I get the job! So I can be stretched even more thin...but at least I'll have money, right? Ugh. But I think it would be fun. Hopefully the raise will be worth the gas job now is about six miles away. This will be about 21 away...for $1.10 more an hour. Enh. Guess we'll see. :P Why can't I just find a job on base as like a secretary???

And my school is stressing me out. Applying for the dental assisting program should not be this hard. It keeps coming up with error, so I asked the school about it and they said that I need to change my objective. So I tried to change it so that I could apply, and when I go to switch to dental assisting, it says that I can't switch it to that, only out of it. Catch 22 much? It's a little frustrating. I just want to apply!!! :( So, I guess tomorrow when I go to school, in between classes I'll talk to the councilors again about not being able to apply. I'm sure they're tired of seeing me. I just want to move forward in life, so I can get a real job and make a decent amount of money.

On top of everything else I have to worry about, I'm also thinking about how hard it's going to be to find a guy as into the natural parenting stuff as I am. Cloth diapering isn't as bad, even though most guys I know are against touching/cleaning/anything to do with cloth, but they don't mind if I do it myself. Breast feeding, well most guys I've met support that. The whole circumcising thing, that's a different story. I don't want to have it done; I feel like it's mean and very unnecessary. Finding a guy with the same opinion, now that's proving to be a task in itself. Who would have thought finding a guy who doesn't want to chop of part of their son's skin right at birth would be so difficult? It's one of those things I'm not willing to budge on. This is why I felt like being a single parent was easier sometimes.

Oh, and my lovely phone decided to delete all of my videos, most of my ringtones, and some of my pictures. Thanks phone, really. At least I already downloaded pretty much everything onto my computer. Now I just need to put it on a disc for further preservation. Most of my videos of Blake were on my phone, and I liked being able to watch them whenever I wanted...but not anymore I guess. :( At least next month I can use my upgrade and get a new one. I wish it were next month already.

Ummm, I think that's about it for now. Happy Valentine's day. It hasn't been exciting, besides getting the call for the interview and turning in some paperwork finally. I worked. And other than that, that's it. No plans lol. Oh well, I'm not big on Valentine's day (singles awareness day?) anyway. I think a little be later I'll go grocery shopping, since lord knows I need to do it badly. And I do mean badly lol. Hope everyone else is having a more eventful day than me!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Stretched much too thin

It feels like I haven't blogged in ages. And then I realized, it's because I haven't. Life has just been so hectic and stressful and fast paced lately...I just want a vacation where the most stressful thing I have to worry about is blogging. I'm just ready for a break. Not to complain, but I need somewhere to vent, right? Where to begin though. Well first, I finally moved. One of my best friends, Amber, and her boyfriend, Mark, bought a house together and they needed a roommate to help out on payments, so that's where I come in. Love the new place, just wish I could spend more time at it. Feels like I always have something going on that pulls me out of it (don't think too glamorous, it's normally work). I'm still working on moving all my stuff over here (most of it is here though, finally). So any free time I have during decent hours goes towards moving stuff over here and moving things to my storage unit. Thank god I have that thing. And then when I'm not doing that, I'm at work. I work between seven and eight shifts a week...and still don't make much money. Especially since I get benefits now, so that pretty much drains my paycheck. But it is nice to finally have insurance. If I'm not working, I'm more than likely dancing or baby sitting. Don't get me wrong, I love the little girl I baby sit, but I dread Fridays. Right now that's the only day I'm baby sitting, but I do it from 7:15 until 9, and then I got work a double at work. It just makes for a super long day.

As if that's not enough already, I have more. Had to do taxes (yay done), need to apply for the dental assisting program (which keeps coming up with an error, so need to ask the school about that one), need to file my final claim, need to file my FAFSA, trying to apply for a better paying job I've heard about, and just other random paper work. I need to win (play) the lotto, for real.

Baby boy's ashes came today, but I was at work and missed it. :( So I have to wait until tomorrow to get them. I don't know why it matters so much; I mean, it's not like it would change anything once I got them. I've waited eight months, what's one more day? I guess I just have in my head that if I had the ashes, then he would be more with me, and I couldn't possibly want anything more than that. I just hate the thought of any part of him spending any part of the night (or day) in any place other than right here with me. I just miss him more than I can stand, and it's hard going through everyday life, pretending everything is okay. And the worst thing is, there isn't anyway to make this part of me better; it's forever broken.

Did I mention that I can't wait to have another baby? A lot of my friends are having new babies right now, or are pregnant, and I want to be in that position so bad. I know I should wait, for at least maybe to be in a steady relationship, and to not work in a restaurant (hello dental assisting). And I more than likely will wait for all of those things to happen, I just wish they were right now.

Speaking of relationships, I'm talking (nothing really serious yet, don't get too excited) to this amazing guy...I'm not even kidding. He's beautiful, inside and out. Beautiful face, beautiful body, and super sweet and caring and just has his life totally together. I have no clue what in the world he sees in me, but I'm glad he does. :) Maybe this will continue on to be something good!

Other than that, I think that's all. Just worn out, that's for sure. But hoping maybe things will slow down or something really soon.