Sunday, June 12, 2011

My, how time flies

One year ago today, I wrote probably my most famous blog on how I came to lose my precious little boy. Yesterday was the one year on his actual death, and it's really hard to believe. On one hand, it feels like he was only here yesterday. On the other hand, it feels like he's been gone forever. At times, it's hard to believe I even ever had a son, and it feels a lot like a dream. I hate that. I hate being accustomed to life without him. I should have never even had to become that way. I miss him so much. I feel like a lot of my life is spent missing people, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Anyway, I tried to not really think about the significance of yesterday. I treated it like a normal day, went to work, ran errands, worked on laundry, you know, normal stuff. Of course it was always in the back of my mind, knowing that today was a day I had been dreading for quite sometime. The day before yesterday, the date that he first didn't wake up, I had a terrible migraine. I'm sure it was just coincidence, but it was still a little weird, since I rarely get headaches at all, and I should get one the day the blood vessel popped in his brain. Sympathy headache maybe? I'm not sure, but I just hope his pain receptors were the first thing to go. I hope that massive headache wasn't the last thing that he could feel. I've always wondered that, and think I always will. Overall, yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, mainly through avoidance and keeping myself plenty busy.

On a happier note, me and Adam have been doing fantastic. He's graduated, in Kansas visiting family right now, and coming back in either two or three days to spend about a week with me before he gets stationed in Georgia. :) I can't wait! I miss him so much. I'm so glad I finally let myself be in a full on relationship with him. I think after Blake, I had some serious commitment issues. Sort of. Like I knew I wanted to be with someone, but I would just push people away once they started to get too close. I finally let myself open up, and it flourished. I've been so happy with him, happier than I've been in a long, long time. The security is nice too; I'm not worried about him changing his mind or finding some other girl, just as he doesn't need to worry about it either. I can't believe next month will mark one year since we started seeing each other. We actually met on Blake's birthday. It's crazy how time flies.

In other news, I'm trying to decide between going to school to be an LPN, or going to school to be a massage therapist. The massage therapist would be quicker, and everyone says I would be really good at it. And I give massages at work all the time anyway, might as well get paid decently for it, right? :) The program is only 8 months long, but they don't take bright futures. Boo. If I was a military spouse, they would pay I think $4000 of it, so I would only have to work on like $1500. And they could do a monthly payment plan for me too. If only. Adam said I could borrow his last name for a bit (he's in the Army), but I think I would rather wait for the forever variety (if it should ever happen). I don't know, I know when he comes back here we're gunna discuss me MAYBE attempting to go to Ga with him. That's a big maybe though, because he can't live off base yet, and we're not married, so I would have to pay to live up there by myself. Which if I had a good serving job up there, I could probably do it. I don't know, maybe I'll try to finish school down here and then maybe move up there, since I would be making a lot more money. Oh decisions, they're never ending.