Friday, July 30, 2010

Happy almost first birthday Blake

It's so hard to believe that at this time one year ago, I was in labor, preparing to meet my perfect baby boy for the first time. Before I knew all the things that would go wrong. I mean, I knew some things were not going right, for example the fact that he had quit growing, but I never thought it would end in this way. I would give anything in the world to be back at that hospital and with child again. I miss him so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I don't think or plan on that ever stopping either.

Last week my friend Sabrina had her daughter, Stella's, birthday party. Her and Blake were exactly three days apart. We were at one point going to have a combined birthday party, but obviously those plans got foiled. She still had a little area set up though for him. Sabrina, Kathy, Kassie, their daughters, and I all wrote notes to Blake on dragonfly card stock cut outs and stapled them to balloons. We then sang happy birthday to my beloved angel and let go of the balloons for him to receive. It was beautiful, and I was on the verge of tears (I hate crying, especially since I had to go straight to work after) the whole time. Going to the past few birthday parties for my other friend's babies was fun, but still hard. I can take it, but it was so hard to watch them play in their birthday cake. I was so looking forward to the moment that Blake would be able to do that. I hope my next kids, all of them, are 100% healthy.

The other night I came home late and it was a cloudy night, but it was still beautiful anyway. I looked up into them and saw my son, my baby. Call me crazy, dazed, mad or whatever, but I know what I saw. The baby in the sky even had Blake's feet. I couldn't bring myself to move from that spot, so I didn't. Instead I stood out there and talked to him. I told him how much I loved him and wished him a happy early birthday and such. I told him more about his favorite dog and asked him if he could say dog, like I always did. That was his first word after all. As I talked to him, eventually his shape in the clouds shifted away, but in another part of the sky another image came to life. There was a vivid image of my favorite ultrasound picture of him, back when I thought everything was okay. It had the hand on top of his head and everything.

I miss being a mom so much. I even find myself doing motherly things around my friend's kids, and I hope it doesn't bother them, it's just a habit. Like wiping messy faces or freaking when they fall or just playing with them. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful group of mommy friends that allow me to play with their babies, it helps a lot. I just can't wait to do it all again. A lot of my friends just had babies, and as happy as I am for them, I'm also so jealous. I want so bad to hold a new bundle of joy in my arms. I think it would help me a bit to move on from everything. I'm not super struggling now, but all the same I think it would help. But as weird as it sounds, I think I might actually want to get married first. I'm just worried that it'll take a while. I'm single as it is right now, so I guess not even heading in the right direction towards marriage. I want another baby on the way now, but obviously I would never get married that fast. So I guess I'll just have to be patient. Patience was never one of my virtues.

In other news, I just signed up for a dance class. I'm really excited, I haven't danced in a long time (not with a class anyway) and I just really miss it a lot. Me and my friend Celise are going to take it together. I'm just worried that I'll be really bad at it since I've been out of practice for so long. I just hate doing a bad job at anything. I'm still excited though, I just can't wait! That's the only class I'm signed up for at the moment. Still no clue what to do. I think I'll just go ahead and do the dental assisting program. I have a little bit of a medical background that I think will help out a little, and it's only a three semester course. I like the shortness of it. I mean, I already have my associates degree, so now what? I can't get a Bachelors at NWFSC, and either way I'm not sure what I would get it in anyway, and this is quicker. But I'll have to wait until next year to start since the deadline for applying for this year has passed, so I guess I'll just dance and work this year. I can live with the break. :) Maybe the break will get me super pumped and ready for the hardcore program ahead of me (or just make me dread it haha). I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on and move on with life. I mean, I'm 21, living at home, and still working in a restaurant making next to nothing for pay. I say it's about time I got my stuff together.


Blake's birthday balloon send off. I love you sweetie, happy first birthday. <3


Anonymous said...

chappy birthday, Blake.7jmf innyb vuun ybaBN Aw2sequyu s47drBD4W2Qvb4hihu - I love you! Love, Lily. <3

I hope you enjoyed your balloons, birthday boy. You're always on our minds and in our hearts. We miss you so much. Happy First Birthday!! I love you so much!!! - kathy

Melissa said...

Patience never was a virtue of mine either. After my miscarriage I wanted a baby so badly. Exactly 10 months to the day my son was born. I hate the stupid cliche saying "Everything happens for a reason." I'm not going to say that of course. But I know Blake's short physical presence in your life had purpose. All of your future babies will always have a big brother looking out for them no matter what! I've noticed that dragonflies have a sort of meaning for you now. I saw this episode on Miami Ink where this couple had lost their baby boy and afterward saw dragonflies everywhere so they got a dragonfly tattoo to memorialize him. Do you think you would do something similar? My husband is getting a baby bird for our lost baby. Hope nothing but the best for you!

sheila riannon said...

I actually just got a dragonfly tattoo in memory of him a little over a week ago. :) I love it, I have his initials under it. I'm going to post a picture of it in my next post!