Saturday, July 3, 2010

Has it really been that long already?

So it's officially been three weeks since Blake has passed. I still miss him a ton, but I guess the pain is a little less now. In a way. I've dealt with a lot of deaths I suppose (my dad and a few friends, some closer than others), so I feel like that has kinda helped me know just how to deal. Regardless, this is harder than any of those other deaths, but I've been trying to keep going.

I've been meaning to write a new blog since the last one, but just couldn't think of what to say. I'm back to work now and have been bitten by the creative bug. I've been doing projects left and right, keeping busy so that I don't have too much time to dwell on things (never a good thing for me). It's fun, and it's making me better at sewing and such. I just wish I still had Blake to sew for. He's such an inspiration to me. If it weren't for him, I would've never even thought about learning to sew, but I'm glad I did. I feel like I picked up on it all pretty fast, and maybe it's in my blood (Mom is a fantastic seamstress). She's agreed to teach me how to crochet and knit, so hopefully I'll know how soon. :) I've been driven more than even now to start up my own business. I've decided to call it Dragonfly Meadows Diaper Boutique. Through that business I plan to first start making fitted diapers and donating them to third world countries, for families that can't afford diapers on their own. I want to do this in the name of Blake. Second I plan to take a portion of my profit that I make with my business (hopefully I actually have some customers!) and put it towards the Alagille Syndrome Alliance. I just want to do whatever I can to help people. I love helping others, and I want to do something to help another family with AGS to not have to experience what I (or many other families) have experienced. Hopefully that all works out.

I'm also looking at a new job. My friend notified me that a lady is hiring on base (making appointments), and I was given her number. I called but had to leave a message, but she never called back, but with July 4th right around the corner, she may be swamped or just gone, so I plan to call back Tuesday if she hasn't gotten back with me before that. Man, I hope they still have the opening. The pay is WAY better than my current job, the hours are better (still full time), more constant, and it's only Monday through Friday. With this new pay, I could afford to buy a house. I could do so much more with this new pay. So wish me luck and cross your fingers for me! :)

I still have hard days. They have gotten easier than those first few, but I still have moments where I forget he's gone, and then some where it feels like he never really existed. And then there's a lot of the time where it feels like I'm still pregnant with him. Sometimes I'll even feel phantom movements or aches and pains like I would get sometimes when I was pregnant and think it's him. It's hard to look at all the cute pictures of him and think about never taking any new pictures of that beautiful face ever again. There's still some photos on my camera that I need to upload, I just haven't yet. There are clothes he's never worn, shoes he's never filled, places I never got the chance to take him. There was so much that I wanted to do with him. I want another baby now (have for a long while), and I'm tired of people insinuating that I'm trying to replace Blake. That's not it at all. At all. I try to explain it to people, but they still don't get it, I guess unless you've lost a child. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child understands where I'm coming from, so I know I'm not crazy. I really do think it would help me along in the healing process a lot, as it has for every other parent I know that has conceived again after the loss of their baby. This was definitely not a group that I had wanted to or planned on joining. Every night before I go to bed I watch my favorite video of him on my phone, and he just laughs and coos and is so happy, exactly how I want to remember him. Sometimes images from our last hours together haunt me; that's not how I want to remember him. But still, from time to time an image of my lifeless baby will flash in my mind, or from the morning where he first went into his coma or when he was doing the odd squirming with his arms. I believe I saw him when he first went into his coma, when I thought he was just sleepy, and I think that's where I find the most guilt. I try to not do this to myself, but I still can't help but to wonder if this would've turned out differently if I had tried to wake him up then and figured this out sooner. I try to tell myself that once he went into the coma it was probably too late, but I don't know that. Hours passed before I realized that something was wrong. Time was of the essence, and I wish I had figured it out sooner. I just miss holding his sweet body next to mine, he was such a cuddly baby and a mommy's boy. I would give anything to have him back in my arms. I'm still getting the emails that I signed up for about how old he is, week by week, and what's probably happening this week developmentally. I should probably turn them off, I just haven't taken the time to do it. I guess all I can do now is cross my fingers and hope and pray that the next baby won't have anything wrong with him/her and remember Blake everyday. I do anyway, and I still talk to him him everyday, telling him how much I love and miss him, and pretending that his little dog is his body pressed to mine instead. I just can't wait to see him again, and not have to worry about letting go.

1 comment:

katecomelately said...

You are so beautiful, Sheila. Anyone having anything negative to say about you wanting to have another baby obviously just doesn't know you very well. Don't let them get to you. I will cross my fingers that you get this new job! I will also pray that oncw you start your business, you get enough customers to keep it running. It might be hard, so never never give up! :) Not a day goes by that I don't think about and miss Blake so much. I wish the very best for you in everything that you do & I support you 100% ! And you know if you ever need anything, I am just a call/text away ! Love You !