Monday, September 27, 2010

Not sure about anything

I've been a little uncomfortable lately, and I'm not sure what it is. I just don't feel quite myself. Maybe a little depressed? I just don't know. I'm looking for change I think. I need some change. I get in these phases where I just need change and I just get uncomfortable with my life and how I'm leading it. Not that I'm leading a bad life or anything, I just...I don't know, need more hours in the day I suppose. I mean I've still been keeping up with laundry and cooking more and trying to clean more, which is fine, but still I'm wanting to move out badly. Again, not like home life is bad, but I'm craving independence. More than what I ever have before. BUT, it's frustrating, because I feel like everyone who's agreed to move out with me has bailed. Like I said, just frustrating! I mean I understand that money sucks, but if you don't think you can, it's cool, but don't get my hopes up. I'm thinking about just getting a storage room (climate controlled) for now so I can move Blake's stuff into it, just for the sake of space. Not that I'm looking to get his stuff out of sight, but seriously it's cramped over here. I could REALLY use the extra space, and I'll feel a little less bad about taking up all the space here. SInce I wouldn't be and all. So yeah, toying with that idea.

I feel conflicted. I've been needing to be more creative (as I mentioned in the last post), and I want to be, but I'm hardly ever home. I guess it's partly my fault, since I get cabin fever like crazy, but still, that's where the more hours in a day come in. I'm still working six days a week, so yeah. I'm really needing to sew some diapers for some people that I want to, and just to do it. And I want to scrapbook some more, since I had plenty to do for Blake. And I've learned to knit, but I need to keep up with it. And I need to be home more during the day since I want to play with photography more. Just a lot of things I'm wanting to do.

On another note, while still trying to decide what to do with my life, I'm going to Tallahassee on Friday to visit the Aveda Institute for hair design. Not sure if I'm doing it or not, but I've done a few friends' hair, including both cutting and coloring, and I liked doing it. So I'm hoping that I might like this? IF I do it. I have commitment issues I believe with school haha. But this would be another way to let my creativity escape.

AND I'm thinking about chopping my hair off. I'm not sure how yet, but I think it might have something to do with my need for change. I always do this, grow my hair out, get tired of it, chop it off, miss my long hair, grow it out, get tired of it, chop it off, etc. Never ending cycle!!! But at the moment I'm a little tired of it, so I think I might do it. Again, not sure! But when am I ever sure about anything?

I thought I was okay, but lately I haven't really been. Like just sitting there thinking about Blake makes me tear up, and I don't like to cry. I haven't been, but close to it. At work it's bad, because now I stand up at the front all alone, so of course my mind starts to wander onto the subject of him, and I just miss him more than I can bare. Yesterday when I came home, something was buzzing me and I freaked out a little until I realized that it was a blue dragonfly. It landed on one of our bushes in front of me and I was able to walk up real close and just stared for a minute. I said, "Are you Blake?" And it looked like it nodded several times, just as Blake used to do. It might have been a coincidence, but still it sort of made me tear up some. I just want my baby boy back. It feels weird even knowing I've had a kid before. I would give up EVERY night of going out to have him back in my arms. I want to be a mom again so bad, I can hardly stand it. A lot of my friends are having babies right now, and I'm SO happy for them, but so jealous as well. Nothing ever felt so right in my life as being his mom did, and I still can't fathom why that would be taken away from me. Maybe I just need to move on, but I don't think I'll ever be fully moved on. I don't ever want to be fully moved on.

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