Monday, October 25, 2010

Ughh what's been wrong lately???

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been so emotional. I don't like it. I don't cry, I just don't do it too often. I don't like to cry, so I try to find other outlets for my emotions other than tears. But lately, I can't help it. All I can do is think about Blake. And cry. A few days ago I got a letter from medicaid in the mail, just to confirm that all the medical procedures listed actually happened. It was from June, which included a refill for is Urso that he had to take, and then all of the procedures from when he was passing. I started bawling while reading that letter, out of no where. Reading through that letter was almost like reliving those two days. They went in order, and I could see where they started giving him blood, where they did CT scans and then when they intubated him and where they flew him to Gainesville and when they took him by ambulance to the hospital and all the meds they gave him and everything. And with every procedure, I had a flash back of that moment. I try to not think of those two horrible days, but every now and then it happens, but not usually the whole thing, just bits and pieces. This was everything. All of it. From the moment he wouldn't wake up and on until I gave him my last good bye. Since then and even a little before that, I want to talk about him always. But, when I do, I tear up. The past couple of days at work I've had to fight back tears when I'm up there by myself just thinking. My memory isn't the greatest, but moments with Blake I remember clear as day. I can still remember the moment I finally pushed him out, and how it felt like it went in slow motion as I finally caught the first glimpse of my beautiful son. I remember the way he looked at me with his dark eyes and sweet little face the first time I got to hold him, the way he was crying his heart out until I took him and started talking to him. The way he just stopped and stared into my eyes, and though I didn't think it possible, I fell in even more love with him. I can remember so many memories from him, and I want so bad to relive them, just to be with him again and make new ones.

He's been haunting me, in my dreams. He has been, and having another baby period. Every night I dream of him or having another baby. The first one I just had a new baby, a boy, blonde hair, blue eyes, and plenty of little pink rolls. I was amazed that such a baby came from me, and even more amazed because I didn't know I was pregnant until I went into labor and had him. Then the next night I dreamed that I had another baby, and this baby too had Alagille's Syndrome, and though I was happy to have another baby, I was sad. I was sad that this baby had to go through the same cruel disease, scared that this baby would meet the same fate as Blake, and guilty because that meant that I most likely carried the JAG1 gene, meaning I accidentally caused Blake to carry the same fatal gene. And then there was last night, where I dreamed that I had Blake still, but someone kidnapped him, and I spent the dream looking for him, wondering if he would still be alive when I found him. That wasn't a good dream, since I couldn't stop worrying if he was scared or hurt and anything, but I guess that's what I went through during the real thing too, but at least I could be by his side for that. Not that I could do anything to help or that he probably even knew I was there, and it makes me so sad to think of him gone like that, even though he's even more gone now.

I want a baby so, so bad. I don't think most people understand this need. They see it as baby fever, which I suppose it is, but on a different level. I loved being a mom, every part of it, and I felt like I was good at it, like it was my calling. It's like finding true bliss, or nirvana, and then having all of it ripped out of your hands. How are you supposed to live life now, when you've seen how much better it could be?

A lot of my friends (most of them in fact) that I was pregnant with before are pregnant again. I'm so incredibly happy for them, but I'm jealous too. I hate to say it, but I am. I'm jealous of their pregnancy, jealous of their joy, jealous of the fact that they can have their first child and be blessed to have a second as well. Maybe this sounds juvenile, and maybe it is, but I can't always help the way I feel. I feel like it's so unfair, that I'm not pregnant now, and that I don't have even my first born to be with. Like I feel alone. I know I'm not, but a lot of times I feel like I am, even when I'm surrounded by people I love. It's just not the same. I'm not looking to replace Blake, and that will NEVER happen, but I'd love someone to take care of, someone that I took part in creating and nurturing and everything. Now when I look at babies or pregnant bellies, yes I think they're cute, but I feel like I look at them with a sense of longing more than anything else. I want this so bad, but no one wants to give it to me.

I also would like to be married. No one in mind or anything, but I would like to be all the same. I want to be a house wife. I find these green ways to clean, and I find myself wishing I had a house of my own to clean. I find new recipes, and I wish I had someone to cook for. I want to start a family. Maybe this all sounds silly, but that's what I'm craving.

Sorry this post has been more depressing and selfish than anything else, I guess I'm just in a funk or something. Nothing new really going on besides these emotions. Not that they're new, just resurfacing I guess. I've heard grieving has a two steps forward, one step back approach, but i feel like I was more like ten steps forward, please return to GO. Like I'm all the way back at the beginning, trying to tame my raw emotions all over again. Hopefully someday I'll get this figured out.

1 comment:

Red said...

I love you SOOOO much. I HATE HATE HATE that I couldn't be there for you when this happen, and while it's still happening. I know that I have by no means gone through the pain that you have been going through from losing Blake, but everytime I think of him I just look back at that last night that I saw you and him and I remember EVERY detail, and I think to myself..if I had only known that was the last time I was going to see him. And I know that is a horrible thing to think of, and it always makes me cry, and it probably always will. All the pain, regret, hurt, love, anything else that you're feeling is just a phase, and some of it will pass and some of it won't, but just remember that I will ALWAYS be here for you. you can always come to me and talk about Blake and we can laugh or cry or be angry at the world, i don't care what it is but i'll be here for you. Even when I'm 200 miles away you know im just a call or text or a skype call away.
You have so many good memories of Blake, and the best thing is just to try to keep those in your heart and in your head, that's what I've been trying to do. And I think one of my favorites was when we were on skype and you were like "say hi to amber" and he shook his head no as hard as he could, and it was just the cutest thing ever! The fact that he really even remembered who I was after all that time of not seeing me just amazes me. He was an amazing little boy and you were so blessed to have him for the time that you did <3, and he was SO happy, and that is what is most important. You were an amazing mother, and when you get the chance to have another child I know you will be again, unfortunately patience is not a virtue I posses so I cannot help you learn it lol. But just remember I love you, and I'm here for you even at 4am, just call me or something =).
I miss you so much, can't wait to get home!