Things have definitely seemed to be looking up. As much as they can be anyway. My bad luck I've been having seems to be fading somewhat.
Example A: I've been extremely productive lately. I've been super keeping up with laundry and cleaning and just feeling all around less lazy. A very good thing, since after Blake passed I just didn't feel like doing anything chore-wise, and just sort of fell into a slump. I did that periodically as it was, but after he passed it was bad. Maybe because I didn't want to move his stuff. I did, and it was hard to not cry in the process. But it is nice to see my floor again. I've still been holding onto his pacifiers and everything though. I'm not sure why it's so hard to part with those, but it is. I don't want to throw his things away, even small things like that, not yet anyway. Too soon I guess. Anyway, I also haven't been biting my nails lately. I've been dealing with that bad habit ever since I could remember, and though I stop sometimes, something will happen that stresses me out and I start up again (like the passing of my son possibly?).
Example B: I think I'll probably end up moving out soon. :) Unfortunately, Celise isn't able to, and that makes me sad. :( But I have another friend who I think is willing to, and she'll be able to most likely next month, which is when I was wanting to as well. :) I'm so excited to do the whole moving out thing, I think even more than I was the first time. Probably because I know for a fact that I will have help in paying for it (split rent and utilities), I'll have MORE than one room, and it's not as new this time around. It's not that home life is bad at ALL, it's just an issue of space. It's a small house, and I have a lot of stuff. I feel like such a free loader and that I'm cluttering the house with my stuff. Probably because I am. :P
Example C: I don't feel like I can write this blog about how much happier I've been lately and all the ups in my life without at least mentioning Adam. I must admit, I think he would be a big reason of why I've been smiling lately. He's just really sweet to me...well kind of. Well, actually no, he just rags on me all the time. :) I'm just kidding. Well, I mean he does pick on me always, but always in good fun (can't say I don't do the same to him), and he is sweet to me often. It's nice to find someone who seems to be as into me as I am to him. I think we have fun together, and so far, so good.
In other news, Mom's about to teach me to knit. :) I'm really excited! There are so many knitted things that I want to make, but I don't know how! On top of being productive lately, I've been feeling crafty too. I've been itching to make some more diapers, since I need to anyway, but I need to buy more of the backing flannel, since I only got the flashy outside material in bulk. Didn't really think about the other side...oops. I think I might want to start up a photography business on the side. I have a decent camera, and I don't think my photo taking abilities are that bad, so maybe. :) I'm going to use my friend's brand new baby (Ms. Eliana) as a guinea pig, with mommy's permission of course. I'm excited to see how that goes! Might be the make it or break it point for that idea. It'd be a nice second job.
School-wise, I finally got the letter saying I was approved for graduation with my associates of the arts degree in general education. :) Woo! Not that I was too worried about it. I think I might just go back to that school to get a degree in Office Administration with an emphasis in the medical office. Fancy wording for secretary in the medical office. But that's all I really want to do anyway. I don't really want to be a big career woman; I'm much more interested in just eventually getting married, having kids, cooking, and cleaning. I know people in the past fought for women to not be stuck in that sort of lifestyle, but all the same that's just what I want. Now I just need to find a guy who wants that for me too! Ha.
Well, I think for now that may be it. I still think of Blake everyday, and I don't want that to ever change. I've been missing him a lot lately, but when don't I? I just love him so much. ♥
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Nothing new really
It's just been the same stuff, different day pretty much. I try to stay busy most of the time, and for the most part, that works out okay. Work has slowed down a lot, it's sad. Which means less hours for me. :( And in turn, less money, not that the money is all that great out there anyway. But I guess at least I have a job, and a pretty stable one...not really worried of being let go anytime soon at all. I am trying to find a second job though. Me and Celise are STILL trying to move out, and honestly I'm just waiting on her, since I have money saved up for it all. I can afford the place we're looking at working at Fud's, but it would be cutting it close. We're looking to move out to Niceville, just because that's where we both go to school and I've just always liked Niceville a lot (don't ask why). So, I'm trying to find a second job out in Niceville where I could earn some extra cash. Celise wants me to start selling my diapers for some extra money, which would be good, but it's not going to bring in a lot of money, right at first anyway. So that's pretty much what I've been up to lately.
Blake birthday was a long, hard day. I was sad for a lot of the day and just lonely. I ended up going to the park I would take him to and singing him happy birthday. I even lit a candle for him.
I just miss him a lot, and still always think of him. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I still can't even begin to imagine what purpose him leaving so soon could have had. Sometimes I half way wish I just miscarried in the beginning. I mean I don't, and I'm so glad I got to meet him, even if it was just for a little while, but if I had of miscarried, I feel like I wouldn't have been as attached, less to miss I guess. I would have still been really sad, but I don't know. I've never miscarried, so I'm not really sure how I would feel. Either way I know I would be really sad.
Oh, I also got a tattoo in his memory. It hurt, but not how I thought it would. I'm really happy with how it turned out. :)
In other news, dance classes have finally started and I'm so glad to be back into it. I've missed it a lot! And it's nice that I haven't COMPLETELY lost my touch. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm out of shape and out of practice still, but haven't lost it all. :) Muscle memory is a wonderful thing. And the story of boy meets girl has happened again, on technically Blake's birthday. It's nothing official or anything, but he sure knows how to make me smile. :) But I'm not in any rush to get back into a relationship, so I've decided to just play it by ear, and whatever happens, happens.
So yeah, that's pretty much all that has been happening lately. Just hoping to move out super soon. Not that life at home is bad or anything, I'm just excited to be independent once again (besides the whole bills thing...ha). Hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later!
Blake birthday was a long, hard day. I was sad for a lot of the day and just lonely. I ended up going to the park I would take him to and singing him happy birthday. I even lit a candle for him.
I just miss him a lot, and still always think of him. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I still can't even begin to imagine what purpose him leaving so soon could have had. Sometimes I half way wish I just miscarried in the beginning. I mean I don't, and I'm so glad I got to meet him, even if it was just for a little while, but if I had of miscarried, I feel like I wouldn't have been as attached, less to miss I guess. I would have still been really sad, but I don't know. I've never miscarried, so I'm not really sure how I would feel. Either way I know I would be really sad.
Oh, I also got a tattoo in his memory. It hurt, but not how I thought it would. I'm really happy with how it turned out. :)
In other news, dance classes have finally started and I'm so glad to be back into it. I've missed it a lot! And it's nice that I haven't COMPLETELY lost my touch. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm out of shape and out of practice still, but haven't lost it all. :) Muscle memory is a wonderful thing. And the story of boy meets girl has happened again, on technically Blake's birthday. It's nothing official or anything, but he sure knows how to make me smile. :) But I'm not in any rush to get back into a relationship, so I've decided to just play it by ear, and whatever happens, happens.
So yeah, that's pretty much all that has been happening lately. Just hoping to move out super soon. Not that life at home is bad or anything, I'm just excited to be independent once again (besides the whole bills thing...ha). Hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Happy almost first birthday Blake
It's so hard to believe that at this time one year ago, I was in labor, preparing to meet my perfect baby boy for the first time. Before I knew all the things that would go wrong. I mean, I knew some things were not going right, for example the fact that he had quit growing, but I never thought it would end in this way. I would give anything in the world to be back at that hospital and with child again. I miss him so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I don't think or plan on that ever stopping either.
Last week my friend Sabrina had her daughter, Stella's, birthday party. Her and Blake were exactly three days apart. We were at one point going to have a combined birthday party, but obviously those plans got foiled. She still had a little area set up though for him. Sabrina, Kathy, Kassie, their daughters, and I all wrote notes to Blake on dragonfly card stock cut outs and stapled them to balloons. We then sang happy birthday to my beloved angel and let go of the balloons for him to receive. It was beautiful, and I was on the verge of tears (I hate crying, especially since I had to go straight to work after) the whole time. Going to the past few birthday parties for my other friend's babies was fun, but still hard. I can take it, but it was so hard to watch them play in their birthday cake. I was so looking forward to the moment that Blake would be able to do that. I hope my next kids, all of them, are 100% healthy.
The other night I came home late and it was a cloudy night, but it was still beautiful anyway. I looked up into them and saw my son, my baby. Call me crazy, dazed, mad or whatever, but I know what I saw. The baby in the sky even had Blake's feet. I couldn't bring myself to move from that spot, so I didn't. Instead I stood out there and talked to him. I told him how much I loved him and wished him a happy early birthday and such. I told him more about his favorite dog and asked him if he could say dog, like I always did. That was his first word after all. As I talked to him, eventually his shape in the clouds shifted away, but in another part of the sky another image came to life. There was a vivid image of my favorite ultrasound picture of him, back when I thought everything was okay. It had the hand on top of his head and everything.
I miss being a mom so much. I even find myself doing motherly things around my friend's kids, and I hope it doesn't bother them, it's just a habit. Like wiping messy faces or freaking when they fall or just playing with them. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful group of mommy friends that allow me to play with their babies, it helps a lot. I just can't wait to do it all again. A lot of my friends just had babies, and as happy as I am for them, I'm also so jealous. I want so bad to hold a new bundle of joy in my arms. I think it would help me a bit to move on from everything. I'm not super struggling now, but all the same I think it would help. But as weird as it sounds, I think I might actually want to get married first. I'm just worried that it'll take a while. I'm single as it is right now, so I guess not even heading in the right direction towards marriage. I want another baby on the way now, but obviously I would never get married that fast. So I guess I'll just have to be patient. Patience was never one of my virtues.
In other news, I just signed up for a dance class. I'm really excited, I haven't danced in a long time (not with a class anyway) and I just really miss it a lot. Me and my friend Celise are going to take it together. I'm just worried that I'll be really bad at it since I've been out of practice for so long. I just hate doing a bad job at anything. I'm still excited though, I just can't wait! That's the only class I'm signed up for at the moment. Still no clue what to do. I think I'll just go ahead and do the dental assisting program. I have a little bit of a medical background that I think will help out a little, and it's only a three semester course. I like the shortness of it. I mean, I already have my associates degree, so now what? I can't get a Bachelors at NWFSC, and either way I'm not sure what I would get it in anyway, and this is quicker. But I'll have to wait until next year to start since the deadline for applying for this year has passed, so I guess I'll just dance and work this year. I can live with the break. :) Maybe the break will get me super pumped and ready for the hardcore program ahead of me (or just make me dread it haha). I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on and move on with life. I mean, I'm 21, living at home, and still working in a restaurant making next to nothing for pay. I say it's about time I got my stuff together.
Blake's birthday balloon send off. I love you sweetie, happy first birthday. <3
Last week my friend Sabrina had her daughter, Stella's, birthday party. Her and Blake were exactly three days apart. We were at one point going to have a combined birthday party, but obviously those plans got foiled. She still had a little area set up though for him. Sabrina, Kathy, Kassie, their daughters, and I all wrote notes to Blake on dragonfly card stock cut outs and stapled them to balloons. We then sang happy birthday to my beloved angel and let go of the balloons for him to receive. It was beautiful, and I was on the verge of tears (I hate crying, especially since I had to go straight to work after) the whole time. Going to the past few birthday parties for my other friend's babies was fun, but still hard. I can take it, but it was so hard to watch them play in their birthday cake. I was so looking forward to the moment that Blake would be able to do that. I hope my next kids, all of them, are 100% healthy.
The other night I came home late and it was a cloudy night, but it was still beautiful anyway. I looked up into them and saw my son, my baby. Call me crazy, dazed, mad or whatever, but I know what I saw. The baby in the sky even had Blake's feet. I couldn't bring myself to move from that spot, so I didn't. Instead I stood out there and talked to him. I told him how much I loved him and wished him a happy early birthday and such. I told him more about his favorite dog and asked him if he could say dog, like I always did. That was his first word after all. As I talked to him, eventually his shape in the clouds shifted away, but in another part of the sky another image came to life. There was a vivid image of my favorite ultrasound picture of him, back when I thought everything was okay. It had the hand on top of his head and everything.
I miss being a mom so much. I even find myself doing motherly things around my friend's kids, and I hope it doesn't bother them, it's just a habit. Like wiping messy faces or freaking when they fall or just playing with them. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful group of mommy friends that allow me to play with their babies, it helps a lot. I just can't wait to do it all again. A lot of my friends just had babies, and as happy as I am for them, I'm also so jealous. I want so bad to hold a new bundle of joy in my arms. I think it would help me a bit to move on from everything. I'm not super struggling now, but all the same I think it would help. But as weird as it sounds, I think I might actually want to get married first. I'm just worried that it'll take a while. I'm single as it is right now, so I guess not even heading in the right direction towards marriage. I want another baby on the way now, but obviously I would never get married that fast. So I guess I'll just have to be patient. Patience was never one of my virtues.
In other news, I just signed up for a dance class. I'm really excited, I haven't danced in a long time (not with a class anyway) and I just really miss it a lot. Me and my friend Celise are going to take it together. I'm just worried that I'll be really bad at it since I've been out of practice for so long. I just hate doing a bad job at anything. I'm still excited though, I just can't wait! That's the only class I'm signed up for at the moment. Still no clue what to do. I think I'll just go ahead and do the dental assisting program. I have a little bit of a medical background that I think will help out a little, and it's only a three semester course. I like the shortness of it. I mean, I already have my associates degree, so now what? I can't get a Bachelors at NWFSC, and either way I'm not sure what I would get it in anyway, and this is quicker. But I'll have to wait until next year to start since the deadline for applying for this year has passed, so I guess I'll just dance and work this year. I can live with the break. :) Maybe the break will get me super pumped and ready for the hardcore program ahead of me (or just make me dread it haha). I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on and move on with life. I mean, I'm 21, living at home, and still working in a restaurant making next to nothing for pay. I say it's about time I got my stuff together.
Blake's birthday balloon send off. I love you sweetie, happy first birthday. <3
Sunday, July 11, 2010
And a month has passed...
Today has been a month since the day my little angel passed. What a month it's been, full of ups and downs. Worst month of my life. I'm not sure how I've survived it, but somehow I have. I can still remember every detail about this day a month earlier. I can remember the way his hair felt when I rubbed my lips on it, I can remember how his cool head felt on my chest and beneath his hair, but how warm the rest of his little body was in my kangaroo care. I think the coolness of his head is the sensation that stands out most for me. He always had a warm, sweaty head, and it was so different feeling it that cool. Me thinking about it just brings tears to my eyes; to me if felt like a sign that he really had left his body, and it felt so empty. Today is going to be a hard day.
Last night at work (in reality, a few hours ago), while I was doing my closing duties and was alone, I sang him his lullaby (Colors of the Wind, when I'd sing it to him, he'd always calm down) and towards the end and after I had goose bumps and felt chilled. I'm not sure if it was just a coincidence or maybe from me thinking of him, or if maybe he were there with me; I'm not sure how one would feel if they knew a spirit was there with him. I hope he was with me. I've finally dreamed of him. The first dream I had wasn't really a good one; I had dreamed that one of my sisters had died, but he was alive. It was still sad, and randomly in the dream I was walking around a store with him wondering why I couldn't buy him things anymore, like I knew for some reason I couldn't, but I couldn't remember why. And then the second and latest time, he was just alive, and I was again confused. Like I knew he was dead, but he wasn't, or like it was something I knew was coming soon, but he wasn't. It's hard to explain. Like he was gone, but still with me and I still took care of him and he still cried and needed changes, and slept and woke up and talked and ate and everything. Why am I confused in all my dreams? In all of them I feel like I'm missing a key part of information, like I just couldn't remember, the feeling you get when you walk into a room and you just KNOW you came in there for something, but can't think of what exactly. That's how I feel the whole dream, but he's with me, and I never want to wake up.
I'm still desperately wanting another baby, boy or girl. I can't decide which I'd rather, but not like I have much say in it anyway. It was really cute at work; there was this little girl, couldn't have been more than two, and she kept talking to me and grabbing my hand and pulling me around the shop. After a couple times of that, I was standing behind the counter and she walks over and goes "Hey!" so I say hey back. Then she blurts out "I love you!" It was SO cute. She had blond curly hair (think Shirley Temple), a big white bow in it, and big blue eyes. Adorable! Melted my heart. Or the other day Stella (Sabrina's daughter) was crawling/walking around the living room while I was visiting and she came over, sat in my lap, and laid her head in my chest. It was really sweet. :) I wonder if she remembers Blake, or if Blake visits her. I need another little baby so bad, and hopefully one without any health problems this time. I'm not sure what I'd do if my next baby had AGS. Well, yes I do, I would love him or her unconditionally and hope and pray that he/she has a better ending than little Blake did, and that they grow old without any big complications. But regardless, I hope they don't. I think this time I would be even more worried about things going wrong big time, and I was worried enough with Blake. But, things seemed to be going good for the most part, but then that happened. So even when things would seem good with the next baby (really whether he/she has AGS or not) I'll be a little worried that something will be wrong and I not know it. How will I be able to NOT have a CT done every once in a while to make sure my baby isn't bleeding in the brain? As if my paranoia needed to get any worse.
I've been faced with a lot of choices lately, but much too complicated to be put here and subjected to everyone's criticisms and such. Just kind of stressing me out. But me and my friend Celise should be moving out together soon, and that makes me super excited. :) I really can't wait! We're fun together. So at least there's an upside to all of this. I'm not sure, just today has been hard. It's been a while since all I had to do was look his picture and I could start crying. I just want my little boy back.
Last night at work (in reality, a few hours ago), while I was doing my closing duties and was alone, I sang him his lullaby (Colors of the Wind, when I'd sing it to him, he'd always calm down) and towards the end and after I had goose bumps and felt chilled. I'm not sure if it was just a coincidence or maybe from me thinking of him, or if maybe he were there with me; I'm not sure how one would feel if they knew a spirit was there with him. I hope he was with me. I've finally dreamed of him. The first dream I had wasn't really a good one; I had dreamed that one of my sisters had died, but he was alive. It was still sad, and randomly in the dream I was walking around a store with him wondering why I couldn't buy him things anymore, like I knew for some reason I couldn't, but I couldn't remember why. And then the second and latest time, he was just alive, and I was again confused. Like I knew he was dead, but he wasn't, or like it was something I knew was coming soon, but he wasn't. It's hard to explain. Like he was gone, but still with me and I still took care of him and he still cried and needed changes, and slept and woke up and talked and ate and everything. Why am I confused in all my dreams? In all of them I feel like I'm missing a key part of information, like I just couldn't remember, the feeling you get when you walk into a room and you just KNOW you came in there for something, but can't think of what exactly. That's how I feel the whole dream, but he's with me, and I never want to wake up.
I'm still desperately wanting another baby, boy or girl. I can't decide which I'd rather, but not like I have much say in it anyway. It was really cute at work; there was this little girl, couldn't have been more than two, and she kept talking to me and grabbing my hand and pulling me around the shop. After a couple times of that, I was standing behind the counter and she walks over and goes "Hey!" so I say hey back. Then she blurts out "I love you!" It was SO cute. She had blond curly hair (think Shirley Temple), a big white bow in it, and big blue eyes. Adorable! Melted my heart. Or the other day Stella (Sabrina's daughter) was crawling/walking around the living room while I was visiting and she came over, sat in my lap, and laid her head in my chest. It was really sweet. :) I wonder if she remembers Blake, or if Blake visits her. I need another little baby so bad, and hopefully one without any health problems this time. I'm not sure what I'd do if my next baby had AGS. Well, yes I do, I would love him or her unconditionally and hope and pray that he/she has a better ending than little Blake did, and that they grow old without any big complications. But regardless, I hope they don't. I think this time I would be even more worried about things going wrong big time, and I was worried enough with Blake. But, things seemed to be going good for the most part, but then that happened. So even when things would seem good with the next baby (really whether he/she has AGS or not) I'll be a little worried that something will be wrong and I not know it. How will I be able to NOT have a CT done every once in a while to make sure my baby isn't bleeding in the brain? As if my paranoia needed to get any worse.
I've been faced with a lot of choices lately, but much too complicated to be put here and subjected to everyone's criticisms and such. Just kind of stressing me out. But me and my friend Celise should be moving out together soon, and that makes me super excited. :) I really can't wait! We're fun together. So at least there's an upside to all of this. I'm not sure, just today has been hard. It's been a while since all I had to do was look his picture and I could start crying. I just want my little boy back.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Has it really been that long already?
So it's officially been three weeks since Blake has passed. I still miss him a ton, but I guess the pain is a little less now. In a way. I've dealt with a lot of deaths I suppose (my dad and a few friends, some closer than others), so I feel like that has kinda helped me know just how to deal. Regardless, this is harder than any of those other deaths, but I've been trying to keep going.
I've been meaning to write a new blog since the last one, but just couldn't think of what to say. I'm back to work now and have been bitten by the creative bug. I've been doing projects left and right, keeping busy so that I don't have too much time to dwell on things (never a good thing for me). It's fun, and it's making me better at sewing and such. I just wish I still had Blake to sew for. He's such an inspiration to me. If it weren't for him, I would've never even thought about learning to sew, but I'm glad I did. I feel like I picked up on it all pretty fast, and maybe it's in my blood (Mom is a fantastic seamstress). She's agreed to teach me how to crochet and knit, so hopefully I'll know how soon. :) I've been driven more than even now to start up my own business. I've decided to call it Dragonfly Meadows Diaper Boutique. Through that business I plan to first start making fitted diapers and donating them to third world countries, for families that can't afford diapers on their own. I want to do this in the name of Blake. Second I plan to take a portion of my profit that I make with my business (hopefully I actually have some customers!) and put it towards the Alagille Syndrome Alliance. I just want to do whatever I can to help people. I love helping others, and I want to do something to help another family with AGS to not have to experience what I (or many other families) have experienced. Hopefully that all works out.
I'm also looking at a new job. My friend notified me that a lady is hiring on base (making appointments), and I was given her number. I called but had to leave a message, but she never called back, but with July 4th right around the corner, she may be swamped or just gone, so I plan to call back Tuesday if she hasn't gotten back with me before that. Man, I hope they still have the opening. The pay is WAY better than my current job, the hours are better (still full time), more constant, and it's only Monday through Friday. With this new pay, I could afford to buy a house. I could do so much more with this new pay. So wish me luck and cross your fingers for me! :)
I still have hard days. They have gotten easier than those first few, but I still have moments where I forget he's gone, and then some where it feels like he never really existed. And then there's a lot of the time where it feels like I'm still pregnant with him. Sometimes I'll even feel phantom movements or aches and pains like I would get sometimes when I was pregnant and think it's him. It's hard to look at all the cute pictures of him and think about never taking any new pictures of that beautiful face ever again. There's still some photos on my camera that I need to upload, I just haven't yet. There are clothes he's never worn, shoes he's never filled, places I never got the chance to take him. There was so much that I wanted to do with him. I want another baby now (have for a long while), and I'm tired of people insinuating that I'm trying to replace Blake. That's not it at all. At all. I try to explain it to people, but they still don't get it, I guess unless you've lost a child. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child understands where I'm coming from, so I know I'm not crazy. I really do think it would help me along in the healing process a lot, as it has for every other parent I know that has conceived again after the loss of their baby. This was definitely not a group that I had wanted to or planned on joining. Every night before I go to bed I watch my favorite video of him on my phone, and he just laughs and coos and is so happy, exactly how I want to remember him. Sometimes images from our last hours together haunt me; that's not how I want to remember him. But still, from time to time an image of my lifeless baby will flash in my mind, or from the morning where he first went into his coma or when he was doing the odd squirming with his arms. I believe I saw him when he first went into his coma, when I thought he was just sleepy, and I think that's where I find the most guilt. I try to not do this to myself, but I still can't help but to wonder if this would've turned out differently if I had tried to wake him up then and figured this out sooner. I try to tell myself that once he went into the coma it was probably too late, but I don't know that. Hours passed before I realized that something was wrong. Time was of the essence, and I wish I had figured it out sooner. I just miss holding his sweet body next to mine, he was such a cuddly baby and a mommy's boy. I would give anything to have him back in my arms. I'm still getting the emails that I signed up for about how old he is, week by week, and what's probably happening this week developmentally. I should probably turn them off, I just haven't taken the time to do it. I guess all I can do now is cross my fingers and hope and pray that the next baby won't have anything wrong with him/her and remember Blake everyday. I do anyway, and I still talk to him him everyday, telling him how much I love and miss him, and pretending that his little dog is his body pressed to mine instead. I just can't wait to see him again, and not have to worry about letting go.
I've been meaning to write a new blog since the last one, but just couldn't think of what to say. I'm back to work now and have been bitten by the creative bug. I've been doing projects left and right, keeping busy so that I don't have too much time to dwell on things (never a good thing for me). It's fun, and it's making me better at sewing and such. I just wish I still had Blake to sew for. He's such an inspiration to me. If it weren't for him, I would've never even thought about learning to sew, but I'm glad I did. I feel like I picked up on it all pretty fast, and maybe it's in my blood (Mom is a fantastic seamstress). She's agreed to teach me how to crochet and knit, so hopefully I'll know how soon. :) I've been driven more than even now to start up my own business. I've decided to call it Dragonfly Meadows Diaper Boutique. Through that business I plan to first start making fitted diapers and donating them to third world countries, for families that can't afford diapers on their own. I want to do this in the name of Blake. Second I plan to take a portion of my profit that I make with my business (hopefully I actually have some customers!) and put it towards the Alagille Syndrome Alliance. I just want to do whatever I can to help people. I love helping others, and I want to do something to help another family with AGS to not have to experience what I (or many other families) have experienced. Hopefully that all works out.
I'm also looking at a new job. My friend notified me that a lady is hiring on base (making appointments), and I was given her number. I called but had to leave a message, but she never called back, but with July 4th right around the corner, she may be swamped or just gone, so I plan to call back Tuesday if she hasn't gotten back with me before that. Man, I hope they still have the opening. The pay is WAY better than my current job, the hours are better (still full time), more constant, and it's only Monday through Friday. With this new pay, I could afford to buy a house. I could do so much more with this new pay. So wish me luck and cross your fingers for me! :)
I still have hard days. They have gotten easier than those first few, but I still have moments where I forget he's gone, and then some where it feels like he never really existed. And then there's a lot of the time where it feels like I'm still pregnant with him. Sometimes I'll even feel phantom movements or aches and pains like I would get sometimes when I was pregnant and think it's him. It's hard to look at all the cute pictures of him and think about never taking any new pictures of that beautiful face ever again. There's still some photos on my camera that I need to upload, I just haven't yet. There are clothes he's never worn, shoes he's never filled, places I never got the chance to take him. There was so much that I wanted to do with him. I want another baby now (have for a long while), and I'm tired of people insinuating that I'm trying to replace Blake. That's not it at all. At all. I try to explain it to people, but they still don't get it, I guess unless you've lost a child. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child understands where I'm coming from, so I know I'm not crazy. I really do think it would help me along in the healing process a lot, as it has for every other parent I know that has conceived again after the loss of their baby. This was definitely not a group that I had wanted to or planned on joining. Every night before I go to bed I watch my favorite video of him on my phone, and he just laughs and coos and is so happy, exactly how I want to remember him. Sometimes images from our last hours together haunt me; that's not how I want to remember him. But still, from time to time an image of my lifeless baby will flash in my mind, or from the morning where he first went into his coma or when he was doing the odd squirming with his arms. I believe I saw him when he first went into his coma, when I thought he was just sleepy, and I think that's where I find the most guilt. I try to not do this to myself, but I still can't help but to wonder if this would've turned out differently if I had tried to wake him up then and figured this out sooner. I try to tell myself that once he went into the coma it was probably too late, but I don't know that. Hours passed before I realized that something was wrong. Time was of the essence, and I wish I had figured it out sooner. I just miss holding his sweet body next to mine, he was such a cuddly baby and a mommy's boy. I would give anything to have him back in my arms. I'm still getting the emails that I signed up for about how old he is, week by week, and what's probably happening this week developmentally. I should probably turn them off, I just haven't taken the time to do it. I guess all I can do now is cross my fingers and hope and pray that the next baby won't have anything wrong with him/her and remember Blake everyday. I do anyway, and I still talk to him him everyday, telling him how much I love and miss him, and pretending that his little dog is his body pressed to mine instead. I just can't wait to see him again, and not have to worry about letting go.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Hardest blog I have ever written
My sweet, beautiful, baby boy, Blake has passed. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life. I'm not really sure how I'm going to function without him. I've been in a state of shock for most of the past two days. Sometimes I realize that this is really happening, and other times I try to think that he's still in the hospital, and we'll be able to bring him home soon, just like he was when he was a newborn. I miss him so much. I feel like I have this void in my life now; I miss being his mommy. I have no one to take care of now, and I feel absolutely empty. I guess I'll start at the beginning of when the problems started.
Thursday morning, June 10, 2010, around 7:00 am, I awoke because Blake had started coughing. It sounded like he was a little congested, so I immediately picked him up and tried to help him, patting his back and such, and he seemed to get whatever it was out and rubbed his face on my shirt. Typical Blake. The night before had been normal, he was his normal adorable, happy, alert self. I actually took a picture of him from the night before.
As I was holding him, he smelled like he had a dirty diaper, so I went to change him. Normally when I change him, his hands go immediately to his private area, just because he is so incredibly itchy, and we always have to hold his hands down so he doesn't hurt himself or bleed from his grip. This time was no different, he was grabbing at himself, mom came in to hold his hands for me, and maybe two seconds after he just fell asleep. We thought that was odd, but figured he was probably tired, since we normally don't wake up until 11:00 or so (we're night owls). So I laid him back down, and what I thought was in his sleep, he started whimpering a little, but stopped quickly too. I thought he was having a nightmare, but since he stopped soon, I went back to sleep. A little later, like around 10 or 11, he started to do it again, so I picked him up and snuggled with him for a bit. He was still what I was thinking, asleep. After a while I got up to get ready for the day, and when I was done I decided it was time to wake him up, thinking that he was just being a little sleepy head. He wouldn't wake up. I went and got mom, and we rushed him to the ER. I was able to get him to eat a little bit, and he was still fussing and squirming oddly, and we were both scared to death. There they did a CT scan and confirmed that he had blood on the brain. I was fearing that the whole time, because I remembered being told that some babies with AGS had weakened blood vessels. They tried to stop the bleed and such by giving him blood and saline water (he was severely anemic and his sodium was very low). They eventually had him flown to Shands in Gainesville, but for some reason I couldn't go with him, which broke my heart. We drove up there though, and when we were about in Tallahassee they called me to tell me that the only thing that Blake is doing is taking a breath occasionally, and his heart was beating. They told me that the bleed was catastrophic, and that he's otherwise completely brain dead. The last two and a half hours there was so hard. When we took him initially he was breathing on his own, and responding to some stimuli. And now, since I'd been gone, all of that had gone.
When we made it there, he was still breathing over the machine every once in a while. It was so, so sad watching him hooked up to everything like that. They said that the bleed was so bad that it had to have started the day before, but nothing at all showed. The day before I took him to party city to get a start on planning his first birthday party. Now I'll never get to.
They had a rule there that only three people at a time can be in the room with the patient. Me, my mom, and my sisters all came, and that would leave one person out. Luckily the doctor told the nurse to make an exception. The first nurse wouldn't let me hold him or anything, but then another nurse came in, who wasn't really his, but took over, and let me hold him, and that's how I slept that night, for about the hour that I slept, holding him close and giving him lots of kisses. Once when he was laying down before I picked him up, he reached out his hand and I put my finger in it and he grasped it so tight it hurt. I'm sure it was just reflexes firing off in his brain, but I'd like to think he was squeezing my finger to let me know how much he loved me. When I woke up with him he had gotten all these bruises all on his body, they said because of his liver. It was so sad to look at. Eventually I had to go to the bathroom, which meant I had to put him down, which was so, so hard. I knew they were all waiting on me to make the decision to take him off of all the machines, but how could they expect me to do that? How could they expect me to let him die like that? Hours later, they did some tests on him to see if he was completely brain dead or not. That was extremely hard to watch. Especially the apnea test. I watched my beautiful little boy not breathe for five whole minutes. Twice, since they repeated the test, just to make sure. He was declared officially brain dead, though his heart was still beating, but they told me that his heart could beat for a very long time and still be brain dead, so long as they kept him on the machines. Finally I made the decision to take him off, since there was no hope left at all. My little angel passed finally at 12:40 pm, at exactly 45 weeks old. I conceived on a Friday, found out on a Friday, gave birth on a Friday, and lost my whole world on a Friday. When they did, they handed him to me, wrapped in his favorite blanket, and it reminded me of when he was first born. I took my shirt and bra off and laid his bare body on my bare chest and covered us both with his blanket. I sat there like that for about an hour, and let my mom and sisters hold him too. It was so hard holding his lifeless little body, so hard. I think the nurse (a new one...shift change) thought I had lost it, since she looked at me like I was crazy when I laid him on my chest like that. Later on she came in a couple of times trying to get me to lay him back down, and I told her not yet. I couldn't give him back. She said, "You know he's gone right?" Of course I knew that. But he was still my baby. This was the last time I could ever hold his precious little body again, could she not understand that? His head was pretty cold by the time I gave him back, but everything else was still warm, probably because of the kangaroo care I was giving him. I kissed him a ton, sang to him, talked to him, rubbed his back and nuzzled his hair like I always had done. When I finally had to put him down, I was still bawling and kissed him so many times. He looked a lot like my dad did, laying in the hospital bed, dead. When I left I had to leave quickly. I was so hard giving my little baby back.
Before they took him off the machines, they had a little hat on him, and it reminded me of when he was first born also. He looked like a little baby doll.
Sorry, this is kind of not in great order, but my thoughts are so scattered right now.
Afterward I was standing outside with mom, crying, and a dragonfly, dark blue, just like Blake's eyes, came and landed on a bush near us. I pointed it out, and it just kept coming closer and closer, until it was very, very close to us. It kept looking like it was looking at us. It was alone, no other dragonflies around. I hope so much that it was Blake telling me that he's going to be okay, and that he's with Grandpa now. I hope so so so much that was him letting me know that he'll be okay and wait for me when I go. I keep feeling like this is goodbye for now, not forever, and I don't know when I'll finally really grasp that this is for forever. I can't throw his pacifiers away, I can put his bottles away, I won't ever get rid of his clothes. We share a room, that empty crib....I can't do this.
His liver doctors had come to visit while we were in Shands, before he was declared brain dead, and they said they think a blood vessel in his brain just spontaneously popped. They told me that weak blood vessels occur in about 10% of AGS cases. Death also occurs in 10%. Such low percentages, but not low enough. I didn't think Blake would have either of those, he had such a relatively mild case of it. So many others were much worse off than him, I thought he'd be a fighter for the rest of his life, his long life.
I'm not a religious person at all. I don't believe in heaven or hell or God, but I hope so much that there is something, anything, after this life. I hope his spirit really does carry on, I hope so, so much. I can't live with the thought that his soul is gone forever. I have to know that he will live on, maybe in another form. I have to know that. He was such a little sweetheart, and so loved. I'd sit down next to him and he'd crawl over to my lap, climb on me, when I got home for work he'd get all excited, he would give me his slobbery kisses, try to share food and pacifiers with me, just so sweet and loving. I can't do this.
Thank you so much to all the people who give their condolences. We don't need anything at the moment, but thanks so much. I'm not ready to see anyone either, but thanks anyway. I just need to be alone for a little while. To miss my sweet little angel that lost in the cruel battle of AGS.
Rest in peace, my beautiful little boy, Blake Konnor Postlewate.
July 31, 2009 - June 11, 2010
I love you so very much, always and forever.
Saying goodbye. <3
Thursday morning, June 10, 2010, around 7:00 am, I awoke because Blake had started coughing. It sounded like he was a little congested, so I immediately picked him up and tried to help him, patting his back and such, and he seemed to get whatever it was out and rubbed his face on my shirt. Typical Blake. The night before had been normal, he was his normal adorable, happy, alert self. I actually took a picture of him from the night before.
As I was holding him, he smelled like he had a dirty diaper, so I went to change him. Normally when I change him, his hands go immediately to his private area, just because he is so incredibly itchy, and we always have to hold his hands down so he doesn't hurt himself or bleed from his grip. This time was no different, he was grabbing at himself, mom came in to hold his hands for me, and maybe two seconds after he just fell asleep. We thought that was odd, but figured he was probably tired, since we normally don't wake up until 11:00 or so (we're night owls). So I laid him back down, and what I thought was in his sleep, he started whimpering a little, but stopped quickly too. I thought he was having a nightmare, but since he stopped soon, I went back to sleep. A little later, like around 10 or 11, he started to do it again, so I picked him up and snuggled with him for a bit. He was still what I was thinking, asleep. After a while I got up to get ready for the day, and when I was done I decided it was time to wake him up, thinking that he was just being a little sleepy head. He wouldn't wake up. I went and got mom, and we rushed him to the ER. I was able to get him to eat a little bit, and he was still fussing and squirming oddly, and we were both scared to death. There they did a CT scan and confirmed that he had blood on the brain. I was fearing that the whole time, because I remembered being told that some babies with AGS had weakened blood vessels. They tried to stop the bleed and such by giving him blood and saline water (he was severely anemic and his sodium was very low). They eventually had him flown to Shands in Gainesville, but for some reason I couldn't go with him, which broke my heart. We drove up there though, and when we were about in Tallahassee they called me to tell me that the only thing that Blake is doing is taking a breath occasionally, and his heart was beating. They told me that the bleed was catastrophic, and that he's otherwise completely brain dead. The last two and a half hours there was so hard. When we took him initially he was breathing on his own, and responding to some stimuli. And now, since I'd been gone, all of that had gone.
When we made it there, he was still breathing over the machine every once in a while. It was so, so sad watching him hooked up to everything like that. They said that the bleed was so bad that it had to have started the day before, but nothing at all showed. The day before I took him to party city to get a start on planning his first birthday party. Now I'll never get to.
They had a rule there that only three people at a time can be in the room with the patient. Me, my mom, and my sisters all came, and that would leave one person out. Luckily the doctor told the nurse to make an exception. The first nurse wouldn't let me hold him or anything, but then another nurse came in, who wasn't really his, but took over, and let me hold him, and that's how I slept that night, for about the hour that I slept, holding him close and giving him lots of kisses. Once when he was laying down before I picked him up, he reached out his hand and I put my finger in it and he grasped it so tight it hurt. I'm sure it was just reflexes firing off in his brain, but I'd like to think he was squeezing my finger to let me know how much he loved me. When I woke up with him he had gotten all these bruises all on his body, they said because of his liver. It was so sad to look at. Eventually I had to go to the bathroom, which meant I had to put him down, which was so, so hard. I knew they were all waiting on me to make the decision to take him off of all the machines, but how could they expect me to do that? How could they expect me to let him die like that? Hours later, they did some tests on him to see if he was completely brain dead or not. That was extremely hard to watch. Especially the apnea test. I watched my beautiful little boy not breathe for five whole minutes. Twice, since they repeated the test, just to make sure. He was declared officially brain dead, though his heart was still beating, but they told me that his heart could beat for a very long time and still be brain dead, so long as they kept him on the machines. Finally I made the decision to take him off, since there was no hope left at all. My little angel passed finally at 12:40 pm, at exactly 45 weeks old. I conceived on a Friday, found out on a Friday, gave birth on a Friday, and lost my whole world on a Friday. When they did, they handed him to me, wrapped in his favorite blanket, and it reminded me of when he was first born. I took my shirt and bra off and laid his bare body on my bare chest and covered us both with his blanket. I sat there like that for about an hour, and let my mom and sisters hold him too. It was so hard holding his lifeless little body, so hard. I think the nurse (a new one...shift change) thought I had lost it, since she looked at me like I was crazy when I laid him on my chest like that. Later on she came in a couple of times trying to get me to lay him back down, and I told her not yet. I couldn't give him back. She said, "You know he's gone right?" Of course I knew that. But he was still my baby. This was the last time I could ever hold his precious little body again, could she not understand that? His head was pretty cold by the time I gave him back, but everything else was still warm, probably because of the kangaroo care I was giving him. I kissed him a ton, sang to him, talked to him, rubbed his back and nuzzled his hair like I always had done. When I finally had to put him down, I was still bawling and kissed him so many times. He looked a lot like my dad did, laying in the hospital bed, dead. When I left I had to leave quickly. I was so hard giving my little baby back.
Before they took him off the machines, they had a little hat on him, and it reminded me of when he was first born also. He looked like a little baby doll.
Sorry, this is kind of not in great order, but my thoughts are so scattered right now.
Afterward I was standing outside with mom, crying, and a dragonfly, dark blue, just like Blake's eyes, came and landed on a bush near us. I pointed it out, and it just kept coming closer and closer, until it was very, very close to us. It kept looking like it was looking at us. It was alone, no other dragonflies around. I hope so much that it was Blake telling me that he's going to be okay, and that he's with Grandpa now. I hope so so so much that was him letting me know that he'll be okay and wait for me when I go. I keep feeling like this is goodbye for now, not forever, and I don't know when I'll finally really grasp that this is for forever. I can't throw his pacifiers away, I can put his bottles away, I won't ever get rid of his clothes. We share a room, that empty crib....I can't do this.
His liver doctors had come to visit while we were in Shands, before he was declared brain dead, and they said they think a blood vessel in his brain just spontaneously popped. They told me that weak blood vessels occur in about 10% of AGS cases. Death also occurs in 10%. Such low percentages, but not low enough. I didn't think Blake would have either of those, he had such a relatively mild case of it. So many others were much worse off than him, I thought he'd be a fighter for the rest of his life, his long life.
I'm not a religious person at all. I don't believe in heaven or hell or God, but I hope so much that there is something, anything, after this life. I hope his spirit really does carry on, I hope so, so much. I can't live with the thought that his soul is gone forever. I have to know that he will live on, maybe in another form. I have to know that. He was such a little sweetheart, and so loved. I'd sit down next to him and he'd crawl over to my lap, climb on me, when I got home for work he'd get all excited, he would give me his slobbery kisses, try to share food and pacifiers with me, just so sweet and loving. I can't do this.
Thank you so much to all the people who give their condolences. We don't need anything at the moment, but thanks so much. I'm not ready to see anyone either, but thanks anyway. I just need to be alone for a little while. To miss my sweet little angel that lost in the cruel battle of AGS.
Rest in peace, my beautiful little boy, Blake Konnor Postlewate.
July 31, 2009 - June 11, 2010
I love you so very much, always and forever.
Saying goodbye. <3
Friday, June 4, 2010
Boo on Gainesville...kinda
So man, this last trip wasn't the greatest. First off, we ended up with the doctor there that I can't STAND at all. He's just rude and won't listen to a thing I say! Like he has in his head what he wants me to say, and goes off of that instead. Oh, and he talks to my mom the entire time. She drives me and Blake, so I can sit in the back with Blake and take care of him, and she drives. It's MY kid, talk to ME. Makes me so mad!!! I'm the one who answers him, she doesn't, so wtf? And he started talking about how Blake's ped needs to make sure that he keeps in touch with them really well, and I told him that he tries to, but no one ever answers, and he went on to say that he can't just say what do I do, he has to ask a question, and I said he did, and no one ever answered him (he's called and faxed them before), and then he just completely changed the subject. Wow, thanks. Also, there was a I think doctor in training, and he was extremely nice and Blake liked him a lot. This other doc proceeded to be rude the the trainee as well, in front of us and everything. Really? How unprofessional can you get? And it wasn't for any good reason at all. This is the same Doctor that changed the surgical procedure on us without any notification and then was annoyed when I said no. Needless to say, I've never really gotten along with this guy. I've tried to request the one I love, but I hardly ever seem to get him anymore. But anyway, he said that it's looking more like Blake will need a liver transplant, but I don't see how he could make such an assumption yet. I've read that a lot of times things won't get better until they're three. So basically two years from now. Anyway, he quickly back tracked from that statement when I brought up that fact and said that he doesn't really know, and we'll just have to wait and see. Well, obviously. I really hope he won't need one. If he decides that Blake does though, I'm going to get a second opinion. I don't really trust him at all. At least this trip was short.
So I've decided that I want to buy a house. I applied for the government job tonight, so I guess I'll see how that goes. It would definitely be nice if I could get it! The house I want is in Crestview, and is for only $89,900. Well, that's at the full market value. Very cute house. :) Even if I could get a full time job at $10/hr, I could afford it. Or if I got married I could. But I don't think that's going to happen for a little bit!
I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. I don't know why I get like this sometimes. Just feels like everything is a difficult task. I think a lot of it is the fact that there isn't enough room for me and Blake here. It's just too cramped. Probably (definitely) a big reason of why I would like to move. Maybe I should just wait to get married though. It would definitely make things easier, money wise. And then I have so much paper work to fill out. I need to do my FAFSA, my application for graduation, I need to call UWF and see if they have anything for ASL interpreter programs, need to call Medicaid and ask to speak to a manager to see WHY they are refusing to pay this huge bill from his birth. That doesn't make any sense, since it's covered and everything. I'm just dreading that whole thing. Thanks, Medicaid, for trying to ruin my credit, I appreciate that.
Anyway, it's late, so I should probably get to bed. Night!
So I've decided that I want to buy a house. I applied for the government job tonight, so I guess I'll see how that goes. It would definitely be nice if I could get it! The house I want is in Crestview, and is for only $89,900. Well, that's at the full market value. Very cute house. :) Even if I could get a full time job at $10/hr, I could afford it. Or if I got married I could. But I don't think that's going to happen for a little bit!
I've been feeling overwhelmed lately. I don't know why I get like this sometimes. Just feels like everything is a difficult task. I think a lot of it is the fact that there isn't enough room for me and Blake here. It's just too cramped. Probably (definitely) a big reason of why I would like to move. Maybe I should just wait to get married though. It would definitely make things easier, money wise. And then I have so much paper work to fill out. I need to do my FAFSA, my application for graduation, I need to call UWF and see if they have anything for ASL interpreter programs, need to call Medicaid and ask to speak to a manager to see WHY they are refusing to pay this huge bill from his birth. That doesn't make any sense, since it's covered and everything. I'm just dreading that whole thing. Thanks, Medicaid, for trying to ruin my credit, I appreciate that.
Anyway, it's late, so I should probably get to bed. Night!
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