Stress, go away. Please?

Man this has been a crazy week. Four midterms, not fun. Especially when I thought my English midterm was due the day after it actually was. So mad at myself, but it's only 15% of my grade, so I guess I've gotten over it. I'm ready for school to be done though. SO ready.

Also, sperm donor got in touch with me the other day. Guess he moved to CA, like I told him to a long time ago. Guess he finally listened. He says he's planning to give me a little money when I get a job. Which I guess is cool. But that doesn't make Blake anymore "his" son. He's always been mine. I forget often that I hadn't had him via immaculate conception. Blake looks like me and a mix of my family. I don't see Ryan in him at all. And if Ryan DOES start sending some money his way, would that make him more of a father? I shell out money for car insurance, but that doesn't make me a parent. Changing Blake's diapers does. Giving him baths does. Feeding him does. Losing so much sleep every night because he hasn't yet learned to sleep through the night does. Don't get me wrong, it definitely takes money to raise a baby. But I don't think only paying money (and only a little at that, I know I would still be paying most of his living costs) really makes you a parent. I'm half tempted to tell him to not worry about it and just pretend Blake never happened to him. Not sure he's agree to it or not though. Supposedly he's clean now and getting his stuff together. And maybe he is. But how am I supposed to believe him? I believed countless lies from him, and he really took advantage of my trusting nature and completely shattered it between us. I can't believe a thing he says. He's told me he's done with drugs so many times. Not sue I'm really willing to take the chance to find out. He asked to see him on his birthday. Does he even know when that is? It's not for half a year. I'm not sure what I'm doing on his birthday. Well, pretty sure I'm having a joint party with Sabrina and Stella, but even that I don't think is set in stone yet. I'm hoping time will tell me what I should do, if anything at all.

So I'm with this amazing guy named Ray now. :) He's a total sweetheart, and I like him a lot. We work together, and all I do all day is get teased about it, especially by the kitchen staff (he works in the kitchen for now). But it's okay, I can handle it. :) He makes me really happy. <3

Blake is getting so big. Well, to me he is. And he's getting more grown up. He's starting to throw fits. Isn't he a little young for this? Haha. Like I was trying to feed him carrots yesterday, and he kept trying to stick his hands in the jar. I kept moving it away so he couldn't, and that's when he lost it. He wouldn't eat or anything, just cried and cried and let me know he was MAD. It wasn't his pained cry, and after a while I just put the lid back on and let him do whatever, and he was fine again. He's I guess technically 7 months now? I'm not really sure. February is such an odd month. Especially since he was born on the 31st. Despite him getting mad over things, he's still such a sweetheart. :) He's still a cuddlebug, which makes me happy. He's sitting up pretty well now, even better than before. What he really loves to do is stand though. It's all he wants to do. If I put him in his crib and stand him up against the rail, he will grab onto it and just stand there. He looks so grown up just standing there by himself. He still doesn't crawl. He scoots like a champ though. He still gets where he's going, believe me! He will go all over the place, getting into thing, haha. Especially if it's something that he really shouldn't be into. That's his favorite. But I love that he's so curious about everything, and so smart. He catches on quick. If I show him how to do something (within reason), he pretty much figures it out the same day.

On Thursday I go to Alabama to get his genetics testing done. Not really excited. I never am excited for the little bit to get stuck. Can't they just stick me instead? And then shortly after that we get to go to Gainesville again. Fun fun! Except not. Oh well, it will be nice to get it over with!

Also, I got my new camera that's really good, so I should be able to have more pics of him soon. :) Well, nice pics. But I will leave you with a pic of him from Wonderlife Photography.

Life is pretty good. :)

Life with Blake has been pretty good lately. :) The only things I would change (besides obviously the Alagille's) is that I don't have to work as much (overtime. Blah.), school all the time, and the hellacious medical bills. I thought I'd have them all paid off, until I found one I forgot about that's a little over $5000. So I'm going to submit it to medicaid...again.

Anyway, Blake had carrots for the first time today. He was in love!!! He ate the whole jar of them. He's NEVER eaten that much before! It was so cute. :) He just devoured it. And my little piggy even downed an ounce of formula before crashing out. He's been asleep for a while now. He had a bath in between the carrots and the formula, so I guess he's pretty relaxed. :) He made a mess of it all though haha. There was orange everywhere! I'm glad he enjoyed it though. :)

Also, I got an order of fluff in today. I got some flip diaper covers (they came out with a lot of fun colors!), and I'm in love! I can't wait to try them. :) Most of the afternoon I've been playing around with them, checking out different ways to use them, etc. I SHOULD be doing homework...but this is more fun. :) And I still need to prep the hemp liners. Now I'm just waiting on my bum genius fitteds to come in (maybe tomorrow?), and I'll be set. :D And if I end up being in LOVE with the fitteds, I may buy more, since they're not making anymore, and they're getting rare. The ones I just bought were the last of what she had. So I need to act fast! Did I mention how excited I am? Who would've thought that I'd get so excited over diapers? :D

Some awesome news :)

So on Monday we went in for Blake's pre-op appointment. He was born with an inguinal hernia, and those rarely fix themselves, so it looked like Blake would need to have surgery to fix it. It used to bulge quite often, but it had been a few months since I had seen it do so (last time was Black Friday, in fact). Turns out that the doctor could only feel the hernia slightly and only when he was sat up. He decided that it wasn't necessary to do surgery on it, but if it started acting up again to come back. YAY! Maybe it is healing itself. It's possible, but just very rare. But as I've said before, Blake has a lot of rare things happen to him.

On a little more of an enh note, Blake's doctor in Gainesville wants him to be on extra vitamin D. So guess I'll add another medication to his daily (or so, I haven't gotten the meds yet so I don't know how often that is) regimen. My next three babies better not have to be on any medications!

I should be getting my tax return back on friday. So excited!!! There's so much I need to do with that money. Pay off medical bills that medicaid is being a pain about, buy him a cloth diaper stash (yaaaaaaaay), pay mom back some money I owe her, and I want to buy a nice dSLR camera. I have it picked out and everything. :D Same with his diapers. Oh I am so so sooo excited about the diapers. I want to order them now so badly! But at the moment I really shouldn't do that kind of spending, so I must hold back.

Other than those things, life has been pretty much the same. I'm still my usual stressed mess, overwhelmed by homework, work, and so many doctor appointments that I've lost track. Blake makes everything worth it though. If I could just get school over with, I would be a lot better. That's my main stressor. I'm just ready to be DONE. THe only problem is, after I'm done this semester I'll have my General AA degree, and then what? I mean, what next? I have no clue what I want to do! I just want to be a stay at home mommy honestly. That's all I want to do. I don't want to work. I don't mind cooking and cleaning and just taking care of the kids. I'm totally okay with that! That's all I want to do. ALL I want to do. I feel like I'm wasting my time in school. I mean, I guess I know I'm not, but really I can't get a job with my general AA. It's basically just there to say "yep, I've been to college." Awesome. I've thought about going for Early Childhood Education, but the average pay for that is only $12/hour and around here you can't even make that much. I don't really want to be a teacher anyway. I just don't know. There is nothing I really want to be that requires schooling. Maybe I should go work at a doctor's office. I've heard you get paid a good amount there. I don't know how to get about doing that though. Maybe I'll check out Craig's list. Anyway, now I'm pretty much just rambling. I'll leave you all with a picture of my beautiful baby boy. <3

Physical Therapy

So Blake went to his first physical therapy appointment today. His pediatrician I think just meant for it to be a one time thing to make sure he's on track, even though we weren't too worried about it. We've read that some kids with Alagille's syndrome have some developmental delays. Well he was tired through the appointment, so not really into sitting/rolling, etc. But he does it!!! They said they didn't see anything wrong though. And that they would like to see me weekly.

Um, WEEKLY? Why? They saw nothing wrong. I can understand maybe monthly to make sure nothing is behind again, but weekly? I really don't see a need for that, especially since they didn't see anything wrong. They said that they would be able to give me tools to help him sit up better (adjusted age he's only five months, and he's getting it) and roll more. I really wasn't worried about it. If he doesn't want to roll, he doesn't want to roll. He CAN roll, and I think that's all that should matter. I can stand on my tip toes and walk, but I don't want to, so I don't. Do I need to go to physical therapy for that? Weekly at that? I don't have time for weekly appointments! He's already seeing his pediatrician every two weeks, going to Gainesville every month, going to Pensacola for other random tests, etc. Not to mention that besides his a million and one doctor appointments, I also have five demanding online classes and lately I've been working five to six days a week. I didn't really want to spend every single day I have off at doctor appointments. I mean, I pretty much do now anyway, but still. I just think it's kind of absurd for my baby to go to physical therapy weekly when he doesn't have any problems.

Anyway, I was browsing through Sabrina's blogs that she is following, and I got so inspired! There are SO many things that I want to make! Now I just wish that I had time to do them! lol. I'm so fed up with being busy. What ever happened to being able to spend quality time with your family and making fun crafts, not worrying about deadlines for tests and papers and homework, worrying about money and work and missing your baby while away? There's just so much I want to do, just no time. :( I want to garden, I want to sew, I want to cloth diaper and eat home grown things, I want to get some chickens and eat fresh eggs, I want to decorate, want to just be able to take a nap with my son without feeling guilty that I should be doing schoolwork instead. Oh summer, where are you?

So excited!

I filed my taxes the other day, and this is my favorite tax season EVER! Haha. Did NOT expect this much back! I can pay off all his medical bills now (since medicaid hates me), pay my mom back from when she paid my insurance for three months (thanks!), and I'm also planning to buy him a new cloth diaper stash (since the gDiapers just aren't really working for him, I'm getting the Flip system. SO excited!!! Yay fluff!), a dSLR camera, and I plan to take Mom out to dinner as a thank you for watching Blake for free when I work (lately that's pretty much all the time). I'll still have a good bit left over to save, which will be nice. :)

Blake is just growing up so darn fast. He's just into everything! He grabs at everything, everything goes into his mouth, passes everything back and forth in his hands, etc. It's so cute just watching him play and experiment! He's so smart, and I've read that if babies are willing to explore, then they feel confident that the parent (or caregiver) cares for them and will come when he cries. So I'll take that as a sign that I'm doing something right. :D

I hope Blake starts taking to solids more now that he's six months old. I'm so ready for him to eat his food! He likes to play with it, but I would like for it to get to the point that food is replacing a bottle or so everyday. Especially since WIC has cut back his formula since he gets food now too to only six cans a month. I really don't want to have to pay for his formula, since for three cans together it's about $86. Ouch.

I'm really wanting to grow a garden. When Blake gets older, I think he would have fun helping mommy in the garden. It's so weird to me that I want to garden. I've always been the type that thought it was gross. I definitely do not have a green thumb, but maybe it would be different this time around. But, unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that Blacky (my sister's dog) would destroy it all, since it's normally what she does. I can't wait to move out, have my own yard to do with what I'd like, and to just have room for everything and be independent. I love the help I get here, but I'm looking to have a more natural way of life. I want to kind of get married, just so I can have financial support and not have to work, or at least work less. I've been so stressed out with five online classes (I hate online classes, but with all the trips to Gainesville, I don't think I could've taken normal classes), working five to six days a week, and trying to care for Blake. Blake is my main concern, and I wish I could just spend all of my days paying attention to him. Plus this house I'm in now is way too small for all of us. We have no room, it's always a big mess, and just everything needs work done to it. It's just really frustrating. I kinda wish mom would move out and find a nicer, bigger place, and let me rent this out from her. That way I'm pretty sure she would let me paint and all that jazz, and I would finally have room to do stuff. It would be a nice sized house for me and Blake, and if I met someone then him. I think I could make this house look a ton better, but that's just me. If I could just completely redo it, I bet it could look not too bad. But anyway, I don't see that happening anytime soon!

I'll leave you with a cute picture of Blake playing, sitting up, and of course, drooling!

Release

I really need to get some stuff off of my chest.

Last night I was searching for groups for Alagille's syndrome, just so I could talk with other parents about it, compare things, and just have support in general. I couldn't find any. Seeing that there aren't any online for it just makes me feel alone in the struggle. I don't know anyone who has this disease. No one. The doctor Blake sees in Gainesville said that he has only seen about ten patients with Alagille's syndrome, and Shand's is supposed to be the main hospital for the whole southeast. And that's all he's seen? That's crazy. I didn't think it was quite so rare. Does that mean that ther eare only about ten people in the southeast that have this disease? Or are a lot going elsewhere? I know Philadelphia has a hospital for Alagille's syndrome.

I'm trying to be brave, especially for him, but a small part of me is scared. Make that a big part. I'm pretty sure he'll be okay, but still. There's a 10% mortality rate that goes with this. Mortality. That word just sounds so grim. That's higher than I'd like. Everything that has happened to him has been uncommon. The two vessel cord had a small percent of happening. His toes not developing all the way had a small chance of happening. Alagille's syndrome had a small chance of happening. His HIDA scan didn't work, there was a small chance of that happening. Blake is the king of making rare occurrences happen. So that lowish mortality rate doesn't exactly make me feel better or put me at ease. Everytime I read that part when I'm reading up about it, my stomach churns. I have problems seeing Blake as a toddler, but can anyone really see that? I just hope it's not a premonition about the future. I had problems seeing myself holding a baby girl when I was pregnant and didn't yet know the gender. I didn't really want to believe it, so I pushed it aside, but it came true. I hope this isn't that type of thing. I don't think I could function if I lost him; I would be lost. He is the absolute love of my life, and I would literally kill for him if I had to. He's made me into such a strong person, I think. Can you be strong and still be scared? People always tell me that it'll be okay and it'll be nothing. I don't think they realize that this won't go away, he'll have it his whole life. There is no cure. Blake will have a life full of doctors appointments and tests, and I'm so sorry for that. I know it could be worse, and I'm very thankful that it's not, but still I miss the early days when I didn't have to bother with at least three doses of medicines a day. I know it's not my fault that this happened, but it's really hard to not think in the very back of my head, "what can I do better next time around to prevent this?" The answer is nothing. If I don't carry the gene, then I most likely won't have another kid with this, unless my next partner has it. I hope not.

In my search for groups, I came across this group of moms whose babies were diagnosed in utero with fatal diseases and they decided to carry to term. It was so sad. I was crying while reading all of their stories. Most stories were of their babies clinging to life for an hour or so before "growing their wings." Some less, some more. This one woman had to have a c section, and she said that it was the hardest thing to do because not only was she choosing her daughter's birthday, but also the day she died. I can't even imagine. i remember that there was a time or two that I was scared that Blake wasn't gong to make it. We didn't know what to expect when he was born, would he be able to breathe, would he need immediate surgery, etc. It was a horrible, horrible feeling just thinking about him possibly not making it. But to know that your baby won't make it. To know that your angel wouldn't make it to the first year, the first week, even the first hour of life. It's so unfair. Then to decide to carry it to term or to decide to terminate it then. That would be so hard and I hope to never ever be in that situation. And then for next time, being terrified that it will happen again. Having to go through all of that grief again. I don't know if I could handle it. i think if given the choice, I would carry to term. As one mom put it, I would want to give the baby a chance to take a breath, open his or her eyes, before leaving. But I would never want to deliver. That would be the hardest part, the labor of such a delivery, knowing that you are slowly killing your baby. Again, I hope to never be in such a situation. I hope I die before any of my children.

Sometimes I do feel alone. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone. I am a calm person, and in general I handle it well. But I feel like I can never just break down for a while without people telling me it will be okay. I know it will be, but I just want to put my worries out there and get them off my chest. Just for some one to listen, I don't really need advices.

Also, if one more person tries to tell me that I'm too young to be a mom and that it's hard, I think I'm going to scream. Just because I'm young does NOT mean that I'm a bad mom. Age is just a number. I'm not even that young. I've been an adult for a while. I'm not even a teenager. I have a job, and the only thing the government pays for is his formula and his doctor visits, which I put into the system through taxes anyway. Do not try to tell me how hard being a parent is. I think I might know. Don't tell me that I don't really know. You have no idea what I've been through. I can promise you its more in his first six months of life and even prenatally than what their kids have been through (the ones who tell me this). And just because its hard doesn't mean that I would even thing about trading it for the world. I love being a mom, and I've always wanted to be a mom. I get that lecture way too often, and I'm just sick of it.


Anyway, on a much brighter note, Blake sat up for the first time today unsupported for a while!!! Yay! :D Growing up so fast. <3

Officially

So Blake officially has Alagille's syndrome. Well, they're 99% sure that he does, but that's pretty high odds. I decided to try to promote the awareness of it, so I've made a facebook group. There's no prevention, but there are a lot of people who have it and don't even know, since the symptoms are so mild. But if they have it, they have a 50/50 chance of passing it onto their kids, and it may not be so mild in them. The sooner they know it could be a possibility, the sooner things can start being treated and help out. Plus it'd just be nice for people to know what the disease is. And it'd also be nice for cashiers and other strangers to stop telling me that he looks jaundiced. "Thanks, it's the liver disease."

Anyway, his form of it doesn't seem too bad. He's jaundiced and he's got the congenital heart defect, but right now none of it seems too serious. We're very lucky for that, there are a lot of kids out there not so lucky. Oh, and he's 10 lbs 3.3 oz, completely naked. :D

This is him on the way back from Gainesville. He's such a sweetie. :)