Monday, March 1, 2010

Stress, go away. Please?

Man this has been a crazy week. Four midterms, not fun. Especially when I thought my English midterm was due the day after it actually was. So mad at myself, but it's only 15% of my grade, so I guess I've gotten over it. I'm ready for school to be done though. SO ready.

Also, sperm donor got in touch with me the other day. Guess he moved to CA, like I told him to a long time ago. Guess he finally listened. He says he's planning to give me a little money when I get a job. Which I guess is cool. But that doesn't make Blake anymore "his" son. He's always been mine. I forget often that I hadn't had him via immaculate conception. Blake looks like me and a mix of my family. I don't see Ryan in him at all. And if Ryan DOES start sending some money his way, would that make him more of a father? I shell out money for car insurance, but that doesn't make me a parent. Changing Blake's diapers does. Giving him baths does. Feeding him does. Losing so much sleep every night because he hasn't yet learned to sleep through the night does. Don't get me wrong, it definitely takes money to raise a baby. But I don't think only paying money (and only a little at that, I know I would still be paying most of his living costs) really makes you a parent. I'm half tempted to tell him to not worry about it and just pretend Blake never happened to him. Not sure he's agree to it or not though. Supposedly he's clean now and getting his stuff together. And maybe he is. But how am I supposed to believe him? I believed countless lies from him, and he really took advantage of my trusting nature and completely shattered it between us. I can't believe a thing he says. He's told me he's done with drugs so many times. Not sue I'm really willing to take the chance to find out. He asked to see him on his birthday. Does he even know when that is? It's not for half a year. I'm not sure what I'm doing on his birthday. Well, pretty sure I'm having a joint party with Sabrina and Stella, but even that I don't think is set in stone yet. I'm hoping time will tell me what I should do, if anything at all.

So I'm with this amazing guy named Ray now. :) He's a total sweetheart, and I like him a lot. We work together, and all I do all day is get teased about it, especially by the kitchen staff (he works in the kitchen for now). But it's okay, I can handle it. :) He makes me really happy. <3

Blake is getting so big. Well, to me he is. And he's getting more grown up. He's starting to throw fits. Isn't he a little young for this? Haha. Like I was trying to feed him carrots yesterday, and he kept trying to stick his hands in the jar. I kept moving it away so he couldn't, and that's when he lost it. He wouldn't eat or anything, just cried and cried and let me know he was MAD. It wasn't his pained cry, and after a while I just put the lid back on and let him do whatever, and he was fine again. He's I guess technically 7 months now? I'm not really sure. February is such an odd month. Especially since he was born on the 31st. Despite him getting mad over things, he's still such a sweetheart. :) He's still a cuddlebug, which makes me happy. He's sitting up pretty well now, even better than before. What he really loves to do is stand though. It's all he wants to do. If I put him in his crib and stand him up against the rail, he will grab onto it and just stand there. He looks so grown up just standing there by himself. He still doesn't crawl. He scoots like a champ though. He still gets where he's going, believe me! He will go all over the place, getting into thing, haha. Especially if it's something that he really shouldn't be into. That's his favorite. But I love that he's so curious about everything, and so smart. He catches on quick. If I show him how to do something (within reason), he pretty much figures it out the same day.

On Thursday I go to Alabama to get his genetics testing done. Not really excited. I never am excited for the little bit to get stuck. Can't they just stick me instead? And then shortly after that we get to go to Gainesville again. Fun fun! Except not. Oh well, it will be nice to get it over with!

Also, I got my new camera that's really good, so I should be able to have more pics of him soon. :) Well, nice pics. But I will leave you with a pic of him from Wonderlife Photography.


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