Ughh what's been wrong lately???

I don't know what it is, but lately I've been so emotional. I don't like it. I don't cry, I just don't do it too often. I don't like to cry, so I try to find other outlets for my emotions other than tears. But lately, I can't help it. All I can do is think about Blake. And cry. A few days ago I got a letter from medicaid in the mail, just to confirm that all the medical procedures listed actually happened. It was from June, which included a refill for is Urso that he had to take, and then all of the procedures from when he was passing. I started bawling while reading that letter, out of no where. Reading through that letter was almost like reliving those two days. They went in order, and I could see where they started giving him blood, where they did CT scans and then when they intubated him and where they flew him to Gainesville and when they took him by ambulance to the hospital and all the meds they gave him and everything. And with every procedure, I had a flash back of that moment. I try to not think of those two horrible days, but every now and then it happens, but not usually the whole thing, just bits and pieces. This was everything. All of it. From the moment he wouldn't wake up and on until I gave him my last good bye. Since then and even a little before that, I want to talk about him always. But, when I do, I tear up. The past couple of days at work I've had to fight back tears when I'm up there by myself just thinking. My memory isn't the greatest, but moments with Blake I remember clear as day. I can still remember the moment I finally pushed him out, and how it felt like it went in slow motion as I finally caught the first glimpse of my beautiful son. I remember the way he looked at me with his dark eyes and sweet little face the first time I got to hold him, the way he was crying his heart out until I took him and started talking to him. The way he just stopped and stared into my eyes, and though I didn't think it possible, I fell in even more love with him. I can remember so many memories from him, and I want so bad to relive them, just to be with him again and make new ones.

He's been haunting me, in my dreams. He has been, and having another baby period. Every night I dream of him or having another baby. The first one I just had a new baby, a boy, blonde hair, blue eyes, and plenty of little pink rolls. I was amazed that such a baby came from me, and even more amazed because I didn't know I was pregnant until I went into labor and had him. Then the next night I dreamed that I had another baby, and this baby too had Alagille's Syndrome, and though I was happy to have another baby, I was sad. I was sad that this baby had to go through the same cruel disease, scared that this baby would meet the same fate as Blake, and guilty because that meant that I most likely carried the JAG1 gene, meaning I accidentally caused Blake to carry the same fatal gene. And then there was last night, where I dreamed that I had Blake still, but someone kidnapped him, and I spent the dream looking for him, wondering if he would still be alive when I found him. That wasn't a good dream, since I couldn't stop worrying if he was scared or hurt and anything, but I guess that's what I went through during the real thing too, but at least I could be by his side for that. Not that I could do anything to help or that he probably even knew I was there, and it makes me so sad to think of him gone like that, even though he's even more gone now.

I want a baby so, so bad. I don't think most people understand this need. They see it as baby fever, which I suppose it is, but on a different level. I loved being a mom, every part of it, and I felt like I was good at it, like it was my calling. It's like finding true bliss, or nirvana, and then having all of it ripped out of your hands. How are you supposed to live life now, when you've seen how much better it could be?

A lot of my friends (most of them in fact) that I was pregnant with before are pregnant again. I'm so incredibly happy for them, but I'm jealous too. I hate to say it, but I am. I'm jealous of their pregnancy, jealous of their joy, jealous of the fact that they can have their first child and be blessed to have a second as well. Maybe this sounds juvenile, and maybe it is, but I can't always help the way I feel. I feel like it's so unfair, that I'm not pregnant now, and that I don't have even my first born to be with. Like I feel alone. I know I'm not, but a lot of times I feel like I am, even when I'm surrounded by people I love. It's just not the same. I'm not looking to replace Blake, and that will NEVER happen, but I'd love someone to take care of, someone that I took part in creating and nurturing and everything. Now when I look at babies or pregnant bellies, yes I think they're cute, but I feel like I look at them with a sense of longing more than anything else. I want this so bad, but no one wants to give it to me.

I also would like to be married. No one in mind or anything, but I would like to be all the same. I want to be a house wife. I find these green ways to clean, and I find myself wishing I had a house of my own to clean. I find new recipes, and I wish I had someone to cook for. I want to start a family. Maybe this all sounds silly, but that's what I'm craving.

Sorry this post has been more depressing and selfish than anything else, I guess I'm just in a funk or something. Nothing new really going on besides these emotions. Not that they're new, just resurfacing I guess. I've heard grieving has a two steps forward, one step back approach, but i feel like I was more like ten steps forward, please return to GO. Like I'm all the way back at the beginning, trying to tame my raw emotions all over again. Hopefully someday I'll get this figured out.

Not sure about anything

I've been a little uncomfortable lately, and I'm not sure what it is. I just don't feel quite myself. Maybe a little depressed? I just don't know. I'm looking for change I think. I need some change. I get in these phases where I just need change and I just get uncomfortable with my life and how I'm leading it. Not that I'm leading a bad life or anything, I just...I don't know, need more hours in the day I suppose. I mean I've still been keeping up with laundry and cooking more and trying to clean more, which is fine, but still I'm wanting to move out badly. Again, not like home life is bad, but I'm craving independence. More than what I ever have before. BUT, it's frustrating, because I feel like everyone who's agreed to move out with me has bailed. Like I said, just frustrating! I mean I understand that money sucks, but if you don't think you can, it's cool, but don't get my hopes up. I'm thinking about just getting a storage room (climate controlled) for now so I can move Blake's stuff into it, just for the sake of space. Not that I'm looking to get his stuff out of sight, but seriously it's cramped over here. I could REALLY use the extra space, and I'll feel a little less bad about taking up all the space here. SInce I wouldn't be and all. So yeah, toying with that idea.

I feel conflicted. I've been needing to be more creative (as I mentioned in the last post), and I want to be, but I'm hardly ever home. I guess it's partly my fault, since I get cabin fever like crazy, but still, that's where the more hours in a day come in. I'm still working six days a week, so yeah. I'm really needing to sew some diapers for some people that I want to, and just to do it. And I want to scrapbook some more, since I had plenty to do for Blake. And I've learned to knit, but I need to keep up with it. And I need to be home more during the day since I want to play with photography more. Just a lot of things I'm wanting to do.

On another note, while still trying to decide what to do with my life, I'm going to Tallahassee on Friday to visit the Aveda Institute for hair design. Not sure if I'm doing it or not, but I've done a few friends' hair, including both cutting and coloring, and I liked doing it. So I'm hoping that I might like this? IF I do it. I have commitment issues I believe with school haha. But this would be another way to let my creativity escape.

AND I'm thinking about chopping my hair off. I'm not sure how yet, but I think it might have something to do with my need for change. I always do this, grow my hair out, get tired of it, chop it off, miss my long hair, grow it out, get tired of it, chop it off, etc. Never ending cycle!!! But at the moment I'm a little tired of it, so I think I might do it. Again, not sure! But when am I ever sure about anything?

I thought I was okay, but lately I haven't really been. Like just sitting there thinking about Blake makes me tear up, and I don't like to cry. I haven't been, but close to it. At work it's bad, because now I stand up at the front all alone, so of course my mind starts to wander onto the subject of him, and I just miss him more than I can bare. Yesterday when I came home, something was buzzing me and I freaked out a little until I realized that it was a blue dragonfly. It landed on one of our bushes in front of me and I was able to walk up real close and just stared for a minute. I said, "Are you Blake?" And it looked like it nodded several times, just as Blake used to do. It might have been a coincidence, but still it sort of made me tear up some. I just want my baby boy back. It feels weird even knowing I've had a kid before. I would give up EVERY night of going out to have him back in my arms. I want to be a mom again so bad, I can hardly stand it. A lot of my friends are having babies right now, and I'm SO happy for them, but so jealous as well. Nothing ever felt so right in my life as being his mom did, and I still can't fathom why that would be taken away from me. Maybe I just need to move on, but I don't think I'll ever be fully moved on. I don't ever want to be fully moved on.

Thinking my all time low has passed

Things have definitely seemed to be looking up. As much as they can be anyway. My bad luck I've been having seems to be fading somewhat.

Example A: I've been extremely productive lately. I've been super keeping up with laundry and cleaning and just feeling all around less lazy. A very good thing, since after Blake passed I just didn't feel like doing anything chore-wise, and just sort of fell into a slump. I did that periodically as it was, but after he passed it was bad. Maybe because I didn't want to move his stuff. I did, and it was hard to not cry in the process. But it is nice to see my floor again. I've still been holding onto his pacifiers and everything though. I'm not sure why it's so hard to part with those, but it is. I don't want to throw his things away, even small things like that, not yet anyway. Too soon I guess. Anyway, I also haven't been biting my nails lately. I've been dealing with that bad habit ever since I could remember, and though I stop sometimes, something will happen that stresses me out and I start up again (like the passing of my son possibly?).

Example B: I think I'll probably end up moving out soon. :) Unfortunately, Celise isn't able to, and that makes me sad. :( But I have another friend who I think is willing to, and she'll be able to most likely next month, which is when I was wanting to as well. :) I'm so excited to do the whole moving out thing, I think even more than I was the first time. Probably because I know for a fact that I will have help in paying for it (split rent and utilities), I'll have MORE than one room, and it's not as new this time around. It's not that home life is bad at ALL, it's just an issue of space. It's a small house, and I have a lot of stuff. I feel like such a free loader and that I'm cluttering the house with my stuff. Probably because I am. :P

Example C: I don't feel like I can write this blog about how much happier I've been lately and all the ups in my life without at least mentioning Adam. I must admit, I think he would be a big reason of why I've been smiling lately. He's just really sweet to me...well kind of. Well, actually no, he just rags on me all the time. :) I'm just kidding. Well, I mean he does pick on me always, but always in good fun (can't say I don't do the same to him), and he is sweet to me often. It's nice to find someone who seems to be as into me as I am to him. I think we have fun together, and so far, so good.

In other news, Mom's about to teach me to knit. :) I'm really excited! There are so many knitted things that I want to make, but I don't know how! On top of being productive lately, I've been feeling crafty too. I've been itching to make some more diapers, since I need to anyway, but I need to buy more of the backing flannel, since I only got the flashy outside material in bulk. Didn't really think about the other side...oops. I think I might want to start up a photography business on the side. I have a decent camera, and I don't think my photo taking abilities are that bad, so maybe. :) I'm going to use my friend's brand new baby (Ms. Eliana) as a guinea pig, with mommy's permission of course. I'm excited to see how that goes! Might be the make it or break it point for that idea. It'd be a nice second job.

School-wise, I finally got the letter saying I was approved for graduation with my associates of the arts degree in general education. :) Woo! Not that I was too worried about it. I think I might just go back to that school to get a degree in Office Administration with an emphasis in the medical office. Fancy wording for secretary in the medical office. But that's all I really want to do anyway. I don't really want to be a big career woman; I'm much more interested in just eventually getting married, having kids, cooking, and cleaning. I know people in the past fought for women to not be stuck in that sort of lifestyle, but all the same that's just what I want. Now I just need to find a guy who wants that for me too! Ha.

Well, I think for now that may be it. I still think of Blake everyday, and I don't want that to ever change. I've been missing him a lot lately, but when don't I? I just love him so much. ♥

Nothing new really

It's just been the same stuff, different day pretty much. I try to stay busy most of the time, and for the most part, that works out okay. Work has slowed down a lot, it's sad. Which means less hours for me. :( And in turn, less money, not that the money is all that great out there anyway. But I guess at least I have a job, and a pretty stable one...not really worried of being let go anytime soon at all. I am trying to find a second job though. Me and Celise are STILL trying to move out, and honestly I'm just waiting on her, since I have money saved up for it all. I can afford the place we're looking at working at Fud's, but it would be cutting it close. We're looking to move out to Niceville, just because that's where we both go to school and I've just always liked Niceville a lot (don't ask why). So, I'm trying to find a second job out in Niceville where I could earn some extra cash. Celise wants me to start selling my diapers for some extra money, which would be good, but it's not going to bring in a lot of money, right at first anyway. So that's pretty much what I've been up to lately.

Blake birthday was a long, hard day. I was sad for a lot of the day and just lonely. I ended up going to the park I would take him to and singing him happy birthday. I even lit a candle for him.



I just miss him a lot, and still always think of him. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, but I still can't even begin to imagine what purpose him leaving so soon could have had. Sometimes I half way wish I just miscarried in the beginning. I mean I don't, and I'm so glad I got to meet him, even if it was just for a little while, but if I had of miscarried, I feel like I wouldn't have been as attached, less to miss I guess. I would have still been really sad, but I don't know. I've never miscarried, so I'm not really sure how I would feel. Either way I know I would be really sad.

Oh, I also got a tattoo in his memory. It hurt, but not how I thought it would. I'm really happy with how it turned out. :)



In other news, dance classes have finally started and I'm so glad to be back into it. I've missed it a lot! And it's nice that I haven't COMPLETELY lost my touch. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm out of shape and out of practice still, but haven't lost it all. :) Muscle memory is a wonderful thing. And the story of boy meets girl has happened again, on technically Blake's birthday. It's nothing official or anything, but he sure knows how to make me smile. :) But I'm not in any rush to get back into a relationship, so I've decided to just play it by ear, and whatever happens, happens.

So yeah, that's pretty much all that has been happening lately. Just hoping to move out super soon. Not that life at home is bad or anything, I'm just excited to be independent once again (besides the whole bills thing...ha). Hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later!

Happy almost first birthday Blake

It's so hard to believe that at this time one year ago, I was in labor, preparing to meet my perfect baby boy for the first time. Before I knew all the things that would go wrong. I mean, I knew some things were not going right, for example the fact that he had quit growing, but I never thought it would end in this way. I would give anything in the world to be back at that hospital and with child again. I miss him so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I don't think or plan on that ever stopping either.

Last week my friend Sabrina had her daughter, Stella's, birthday party. Her and Blake were exactly three days apart. We were at one point going to have a combined birthday party, but obviously those plans got foiled. She still had a little area set up though for him. Sabrina, Kathy, Kassie, their daughters, and I all wrote notes to Blake on dragonfly card stock cut outs and stapled them to balloons. We then sang happy birthday to my beloved angel and let go of the balloons for him to receive. It was beautiful, and I was on the verge of tears (I hate crying, especially since I had to go straight to work after) the whole time. Going to the past few birthday parties for my other friend's babies was fun, but still hard. I can take it, but it was so hard to watch them play in their birthday cake. I was so looking forward to the moment that Blake would be able to do that. I hope my next kids, all of them, are 100% healthy.

The other night I came home late and it was a cloudy night, but it was still beautiful anyway. I looked up into them and saw my son, my baby. Call me crazy, dazed, mad or whatever, but I know what I saw. The baby in the sky even had Blake's feet. I couldn't bring myself to move from that spot, so I didn't. Instead I stood out there and talked to him. I told him how much I loved him and wished him a happy early birthday and such. I told him more about his favorite dog and asked him if he could say dog, like I always did. That was his first word after all. As I talked to him, eventually his shape in the clouds shifted away, but in another part of the sky another image came to life. There was a vivid image of my favorite ultrasound picture of him, back when I thought everything was okay. It had the hand on top of his head and everything.

I miss being a mom so much. I even find myself doing motherly things around my friend's kids, and I hope it doesn't bother them, it's just a habit. Like wiping messy faces or freaking when they fall or just playing with them. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful group of mommy friends that allow me to play with their babies, it helps a lot. I just can't wait to do it all again. A lot of my friends just had babies, and as happy as I am for them, I'm also so jealous. I want so bad to hold a new bundle of joy in my arms. I think it would help me a bit to move on from everything. I'm not super struggling now, but all the same I think it would help. But as weird as it sounds, I think I might actually want to get married first. I'm just worried that it'll take a while. I'm single as it is right now, so I guess not even heading in the right direction towards marriage. I want another baby on the way now, but obviously I would never get married that fast. So I guess I'll just have to be patient. Patience was never one of my virtues.

In other news, I just signed up for a dance class. I'm really excited, I haven't danced in a long time (not with a class anyway) and I just really miss it a lot. Me and my friend Celise are going to take it together. I'm just worried that I'll be really bad at it since I've been out of practice for so long. I just hate doing a bad job at anything. I'm still excited though, I just can't wait! That's the only class I'm signed up for at the moment. Still no clue what to do. I think I'll just go ahead and do the dental assisting program. I have a little bit of a medical background that I think will help out a little, and it's only a three semester course. I like the shortness of it. I mean, I already have my associates degree, so now what? I can't get a Bachelors at NWFSC, and either way I'm not sure what I would get it in anyway, and this is quicker. But I'll have to wait until next year to start since the deadline for applying for this year has passed, so I guess I'll just dance and work this year. I can live with the break. :) Maybe the break will get me super pumped and ready for the hardcore program ahead of me (or just make me dread it haha). I guess it's time to put my big girl panties on and move on with life. I mean, I'm 21, living at home, and still working in a restaurant making next to nothing for pay. I say it's about time I got my stuff together.



Blake's birthday balloon send off. I love you sweetie, happy first birthday. <3

And a month has passed...

Today has been a month since the day my little angel passed. What a month it's been, full of ups and downs. Worst month of my life. I'm not sure how I've survived it, but somehow I have. I can still remember every detail about this day a month earlier. I can remember the way his hair felt when I rubbed my lips on it, I can remember how his cool head felt on my chest and beneath his hair, but how warm the rest of his little body was in my kangaroo care. I think the coolness of his head is the sensation that stands out most for me. He always had a warm, sweaty head, and it was so different feeling it that cool. Me thinking about it just brings tears to my eyes; to me if felt like a sign that he really had left his body, and it felt so empty. Today is going to be a hard day.

Last night at work (in reality, a few hours ago), while I was doing my closing duties and was alone, I sang him his lullaby (Colors of the Wind, when I'd sing it to him, he'd always calm down) and towards the end and after I had goose bumps and felt chilled. I'm not sure if it was just a coincidence or maybe from me thinking of him, or if maybe he were there with me; I'm not sure how one would feel if they knew a spirit was there with him. I hope he was with me. I've finally dreamed of him. The first dream I had wasn't really a good one; I had dreamed that one of my sisters had died, but he was alive. It was still sad, and randomly in the dream I was walking around a store with him wondering why I couldn't buy him things anymore, like I knew for some reason I couldn't, but I couldn't remember why. And then the second and latest time, he was just alive, and I was again confused. Like I knew he was dead, but he wasn't, or like it was something I knew was coming soon, but he wasn't. It's hard to explain. Like he was gone, but still with me and I still took care of him and he still cried and needed changes, and slept and woke up and talked and ate and everything. Why am I confused in all my dreams? In all of them I feel like I'm missing a key part of information, like I just couldn't remember, the feeling you get when you walk into a room and you just KNOW you came in there for something, but can't think of what exactly. That's how I feel the whole dream, but he's with me, and I never want to wake up.

I'm still desperately wanting another baby, boy or girl. I can't decide which I'd rather, but not like I have much say in it anyway. It was really cute at work; there was this little girl, couldn't have been more than two, and she kept talking to me and grabbing my hand and pulling me around the shop. After a couple times of that, I was standing behind the counter and she walks over and goes "Hey!" so I say hey back. Then she blurts out "I love you!" It was SO cute. She had blond curly hair (think Shirley Temple), a big white bow in it, and big blue eyes. Adorable! Melted my heart. Or the other day Stella (Sabrina's daughter) was crawling/walking around the living room while I was visiting and she came over, sat in my lap, and laid her head in my chest. It was really sweet. :) I wonder if she remembers Blake, or if Blake visits her. I need another little baby so bad, and hopefully one without any health problems this time. I'm not sure what I'd do if my next baby had AGS. Well, yes I do, I would love him or her unconditionally and hope and pray that he/she has a better ending than little Blake did, and that they grow old without any big complications. But regardless, I hope they don't. I think this time I would be even more worried about things going wrong big time, and I was worried enough with Blake. But, things seemed to be going good for the most part, but then that happened. So even when things would seem good with the next baby (really whether he/she has AGS or not) I'll be a little worried that something will be wrong and I not know it. How will I be able to NOT have a CT done every once in a while to make sure my baby isn't bleeding in the brain? As if my paranoia needed to get any worse.

I've been faced with a lot of choices lately, but much too complicated to be put here and subjected to everyone's criticisms and such. Just kind of stressing me out. But me and my friend Celise should be moving out together soon, and that makes me super excited. :) I really can't wait! We're fun together. So at least there's an upside to all of this. I'm not sure, just today has been hard. It's been a while since all I had to do was look his picture and I could start crying. I just want my little boy back.

Has it really been that long already?

So it's officially been three weeks since Blake has passed. I still miss him a ton, but I guess the pain is a little less now. In a way. I've dealt with a lot of deaths I suppose (my dad and a few friends, some closer than others), so I feel like that has kinda helped me know just how to deal. Regardless, this is harder than any of those other deaths, but I've been trying to keep going.

I've been meaning to write a new blog since the last one, but just couldn't think of what to say. I'm back to work now and have been bitten by the creative bug. I've been doing projects left and right, keeping busy so that I don't have too much time to dwell on things (never a good thing for me). It's fun, and it's making me better at sewing and such. I just wish I still had Blake to sew for. He's such an inspiration to me. If it weren't for him, I would've never even thought about learning to sew, but I'm glad I did. I feel like I picked up on it all pretty fast, and maybe it's in my blood (Mom is a fantastic seamstress). She's agreed to teach me how to crochet and knit, so hopefully I'll know how soon. :) I've been driven more than even now to start up my own business. I've decided to call it Dragonfly Meadows Diaper Boutique. Through that business I plan to first start making fitted diapers and donating them to third world countries, for families that can't afford diapers on their own. I want to do this in the name of Blake. Second I plan to take a portion of my profit that I make with my business (hopefully I actually have some customers!) and put it towards the Alagille Syndrome Alliance. I just want to do whatever I can to help people. I love helping others, and I want to do something to help another family with AGS to not have to experience what I (or many other families) have experienced. Hopefully that all works out.

I'm also looking at a new job. My friend notified me that a lady is hiring on base (making appointments), and I was given her number. I called but had to leave a message, but she never called back, but with July 4th right around the corner, she may be swamped or just gone, so I plan to call back Tuesday if she hasn't gotten back with me before that. Man, I hope they still have the opening. The pay is WAY better than my current job, the hours are better (still full time), more constant, and it's only Monday through Friday. With this new pay, I could afford to buy a house. I could do so much more with this new pay. So wish me luck and cross your fingers for me! :)

I still have hard days. They have gotten easier than those first few, but I still have moments where I forget he's gone, and then some where it feels like he never really existed. And then there's a lot of the time where it feels like I'm still pregnant with him. Sometimes I'll even feel phantom movements or aches and pains like I would get sometimes when I was pregnant and think it's him. It's hard to look at all the cute pictures of him and think about never taking any new pictures of that beautiful face ever again. There's still some photos on my camera that I need to upload, I just haven't yet. There are clothes he's never worn, shoes he's never filled, places I never got the chance to take him. There was so much that I wanted to do with him. I want another baby now (have for a long while), and I'm tired of people insinuating that I'm trying to replace Blake. That's not it at all. At all. I try to explain it to people, but they still don't get it, I guess unless you've lost a child. Everyone I've talked to that has lost a child understands where I'm coming from, so I know I'm not crazy. I really do think it would help me along in the healing process a lot, as it has for every other parent I know that has conceived again after the loss of their baby. This was definitely not a group that I had wanted to or planned on joining. Every night before I go to bed I watch my favorite video of him on my phone, and he just laughs and coos and is so happy, exactly how I want to remember him. Sometimes images from our last hours together haunt me; that's not how I want to remember him. But still, from time to time an image of my lifeless baby will flash in my mind, or from the morning where he first went into his coma or when he was doing the odd squirming with his arms. I believe I saw him when he first went into his coma, when I thought he was just sleepy, and I think that's where I find the most guilt. I try to not do this to myself, but I still can't help but to wonder if this would've turned out differently if I had tried to wake him up then and figured this out sooner. I try to tell myself that once he went into the coma it was probably too late, but I don't know that. Hours passed before I realized that something was wrong. Time was of the essence, and I wish I had figured it out sooner. I just miss holding his sweet body next to mine, he was such a cuddly baby and a mommy's boy. I would give anything to have him back in my arms. I'm still getting the emails that I signed up for about how old he is, week by week, and what's probably happening this week developmentally. I should probably turn them off, I just haven't taken the time to do it. I guess all I can do now is cross my fingers and hope and pray that the next baby won't have anything wrong with him/her and remember Blake everyday. I do anyway, and I still talk to him him everyday, telling him how much I love and miss him, and pretending that his little dog is his body pressed to mine instead. I just can't wait to see him again, and not have to worry about letting go.